Courting Disaster
by Kira 47
Summary: Based on TNG's "Conundrum". A spatial anomaly erases the memories of Voyager's crew. J/C
1. Upheaval

DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill - Paramount is God.  All hail Paramount.  They own everything in the Star Trek Universe - I'm just using my overactive imagination to take their characters where they refuse to go.  All in the name of fun, not profit (I wish).

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  As I'm sure will be apparent to anyone familiar with the episode, I blatantly stole the premise for TNG's "Conundrum" and used it for my own nefarious motives (which are, of course, J/C).  As I wrote this, I veered away from the plot of "Conundrum", choosing instead to use the premise (the crew looses their identities) and not the motive (as part of a nefarious plot to destroy a rival species).  There is no Commander MacDuff here trying to fill his own agenda.  Instead, I used the personalities of the Voyager characters to further the plot.  I'd call it a character study, but I don't pretend to be anything remotely resembling an English major.  And, of course, I used the premise to further J/C -- isn't that what we're all here for?

I'm done rambling now.  On with the story.

COURTING DISASTER

CHAPTER ONE: UPHEAVAL

Captain Janeway settled herself further into her chair and stretched her legs out on the footstool as she turned the page of her book.

It was one of the first relaxing evenings she'd had in over a week, and she planned to make the most of it.  Normally, she was indifferent at best about having a relaxing evening to herself -- Chakotay usually had to force her to stop working for more than a few hours at a time -- but tonight was different.  They had left Renarra IV that morning after a week of trade negotiations and shore leave.  The Renarrans didn't have many dealings with other species, so they were uncommonly eager to entertain the Voyager crew.  Too eager, in fact.  The Captain had lost count of the number of dinners and functions she had attended in the week they had spent there, and despite the fact that friendly species were few and far between in the Delta Quadrant and even despite the amount of supplies they had obtained, she was glad to see the last of the Renarrans.  She had settled herself in her quarters with her book and she didn't plan to move for at least a few hours.  She refused even to touch the growing stack of crew reports until she had taken a few hours to relax in quiet solitude.

She shifted again, sinking further into the comfortable chair, and had just turned the next page in her book when her commbadge rudely interrupted her.

_Kim to Captain Janeway._

She sighed, hoping that sheer willpower would make the interruption go away, but after a few seconds she closed her book reluctantly.  "Go ahead, Ensign."

_Sorry to bother you, but there's a level six ion storm heading straight for us._

She glanced at the chronometer.  1915.  She had barely had an hour to herself since leaving the bridge.  She pulled her hand away from its resting place on her book to rub her temple.  "Can you change course to avoid it?"

_No, ma'am.  It's over half a parsec in diameter._

"How long until we intercept?"

_Less than half an hour._

She sighed again and reluctantly rose from her comfortable position.  "Go to yellow alert.  I'm on my way."

She grabbed her jacket off the back of the chair and made her way towards the door.

*    *    *

Ensign Kim had called the rest of the senior staff to the bridge, so Chakotay was already in his seat when she exited the turbolift.  Seven of Nine was working at the console behind the command chairs, assisting Harry in his analysis of the ion storm.

"Report," she ordered as she made her way towards her chair.

"The ion storm appears to be building in intensity," said Seven.  "It will most likely dissipate after it reaches its maximum level, but not before it encounters Voyager."

Janeway took her chair.  "I guess we'll be in for a rough ride," she said in Chakotay's direction.

"We've been through worse," said Tom Paris as he exited the turbolift and made his way towards his station.  

The Captain rolled her eyes in his direction and turned her attention back to Harry and Seven.  "Suggestions?"

"We should generate an inverse warp field to act as an anchor," suggested Seven.

"It's worked before," Harry chimed in.

"Agreed," said the Captain with a nod.  "Do it."

The first sign of the impending storm was the shuddering of the bridge under their feet about twenty minutes after the Captain's arrival.

"We're within visual range," reported Harry.

"Onscreen."

The massive storm filled the screen.  It was a swirling, angry mass of blues and greens, with a dark center that seemed almost menacing and alive.  The entire bridge crew stared at the screen in awe.  Captain Janeway slowly rose from her chair and took a step towards the viewscreen.  "Mr. Kim?" she said softly.

"It's still increasing in intensity," reported Harry.  The bridge shook again.  "We're encountering the perimeter."

"Janeway to Torres," said the Captain as she took her seat again.  "Prepare to generate the inverse warp field."

_Acknowledged._

The swirling mass grew larger on the viewscreen as they waited for B'Elanna to work.

Harry's console beeped at him.  "She's got it," he announced.

"Just in time," muttered Tom as the bridge began to shake again.

"It's working," announced Harry.  "We're holding position."

"How long until we're clear?" asked Chakotay.

"Approximately thr-- "

Harry was interrupted by Seven of Nine at her station behind the command chairs.  "Captain, I am detecting high levels of bioplasmic energy in the storm."

Captain Janeway turned around in her chair.  "What?"

"Is it some kind of life form?" asked Chakotay.

"I do not believe so."

"It's some kind of neurogenic field," said Harry.  "Our sensors are having trouble analyzing it."

"Is it dangerous?" Chakotay wondered.

"Unknown," said Seven.

"Is there any way we can avoid it?" asked the Captain.

"No," Harry told her.  "It's…jumping all over.  I can't get a fix on it.  The ion storm itself must be generating it.  It's extremely erratic."

The bridge jarred again from the turbulence of the storm.  Captain Janeway was about to address Harry again when the lights on the bridge began to flicker and then went out.  They soon came back on, but then flickered again a few seconds later.

"Ensign?"

Harry frowned in consternation.  "Something's wrong with the main computer.  It's…I don't know what's happening."

"The main computer processor is being affected," reported Seven as she worked.

_Torres to the bridge -- what's going on?  We're starting to lose systems down here._

"We're working on it, B'Elanna," the Captain told her.  "Just keep that inverse warp field stable."

_Understood._

The lights on the bridge went off again, and this time they didn't come back on.

"Harry," began the Captain, but she didn't get a chance to finish before she was interrupted again.

_Bridge, this is the Doctor.  Something's interfering with my program and my matrix is destabilizing.  Could you send somebody down here before I go offline?_

"We're a little busy right now, Doctor," reported Chakotay as the bridge shook again.

_I'm sure you are, but I have patients to treat.  Several of the crew are experiencing severe headaches._

The Captain perked up in her seat.  "Headaches?"  She turned around to face Seven and Harry.  "Could this be related to the neurogenic field?"

"It's possible," reported Seven.

"Doctor," said Janeway, turning back to the viewscreen.  "Harry and Seven have detected a neurogenic field in the storm.  It might be related to the crew's headaches."  She waited for a reply but there was silence over the comm.

"Doctor?" she repeated as the bridge shook under her.

_This is Ensign Brooks, ma'am.  The Doctor just went offline._

"Tom, you'd better get down to Sickbay."

She frowned when he didn't immediately reply and she heard him let out a groan.

"Tom?"

He didn't answer and pressed his hand to his head with another groan.

"Lieutenant?" said Janeway, sharper this time.

She was about to rise from her chair to check on him when Chakotay beside her groaned as well and put his hands to his head.  She turned to ask him what was wrong when she felt a stabbing pain in her head.  It was sharp and disorienting, and it took a few seconds before she was able to even look up and see the rest of the crew.  Everyone she could see appeared to be in the same predicament.  She tried to order somebody, anybody, to do something, but the pain was too intense for her to get the words out of her mouth.  The sharp pounding in her head started in waves, but it gradually merged into a constant, unbearable agony.  Blackness started to crowd her vision, and everything seemed to move in slow motion.  She was dimly aware of Chakotay collapsing beside her seconds before she succumbed to the blackness surrounding her vision and slowly slipped out of her chair, falling unconscious to the floor.

*    *    *

After a few attempts, her eyes finally responded to the commands from her brain and cracked open.  She could see she was laying facedown on the floor, and she slowly pushed herself into a sitting position.  She had a splitting headache, but ignored it as she looked around at her surroundings.  There were other people on the floor around her, and they all seemed to be regaining consciousness like her.  She took the hand that was offered to her and pulled herself up.  She brushed herself off and looked around before turning to Chakotay.

"Thank you," she said, but then broke off abruptly when she realized that he was completely unfamiliar to her.  

"I'm sorry," she said with a smile.  "I don't know you."  Her smile faded as she looked around at the other people and realized that they were all strangers. 

"I don't know who any of you are," said Tom Paris at the helm as he looked around at his companions.

As they all looked around at each other in confusion, their attention was drawn to Harry Kim at his station.

"I don't know who _I am," he said quietly._

There was a long silence for a moment as everyone realized the gravity of the situation.  

"Neither do I," said Chakotay, speaking for everyone.

She frantically searched her mind.  She couldn't remember anything about herself or who she was.  Her name, where she was from, what she was supposed to be doing…it was all a blank.  The sensation of complete confusion was disorienting and frightening, but after a few seconds she was able to think clearly enough to realize that something had to be done.  

"What happened?" she wondered out loud.

After a few moments, Harry answered her.  "We were affected by…some kind of neurogenic field."

"How do you know that?" asked Chakotay.

"I'm detecting it on sensors.  Looks like it's dissipated, whatever it was."

"You remember how to work your station?" asked the Captain.

Harry seemed confused but nodded after a moment.  "I guess so."

"It would seem that whatever or whoever has affected our memories has left our skills intact," said Tuvok.

"It would appear so," she replied.  She noticed Seven standing behind the two chairs beside her examining her left hand quizzically, as if it belonged to someone else.  

"You're…different from the rest of us," said Captain Janeway.

"Yes," Seven replied, touching the implant above her eye.  "My physiology appears to be…enhanced by cybernetic implants."

The Captain looked back at Chakotay beside her.

"You seem to be in charge here," he said, pointing at her collar.  She reached up and felt four pips side by side on the right side of her collar.  Some of the others had similar pips, but none of them had more than three.  Chakotay, though, had a bar with stripes instead of pips.

"Mine are different from yours," she observed with a smile.  "Maybe you're in charge."

Seven spoke up next.  "I am not wearing the same uniform.  Perhaps I am in charge."

The Captain noticed for the first time that although they were all dressed similarly, with the exception of Seven, some of their uniforms were different colors.

"Perhaps," said Tuvok, "We should determine the nature of the command structure after we determine what has happened here."

There was a pause as Chakotay, Janeway, and Seven of Nine stared at each other.

"Agreed," said Seven finally.

"It looks like we're on a ship," said the Captain as she moved over with Chakotay to join Harry at Ops.

"The viewscreen, the chairs, the layout…I'd guess this is the command center."

"Agreed," she said as they joined Harry.  "You said something about a neurogenic field?"

He nodded and showed her his readouts, but the computer screens were flickering.  The Captain noticed for the first time that the lights were out.

"Well whatever it is," she said, "It seems to be affecting the computer systems."

"Try accessing the personnel files," said Chakotay.  "Maybe we can find out who and where we are."

Harry pressed a few buttons on his console, but it beeped at him.  "No good.  I can get access to the primary systems, but the main computer core seems to be disrupted.  Weapons, shields, communications -- they're all down."

"You mean whatever disrupted our memories is affecting the computer as well?" asked Chakotay.

"It looks that way."

Chakotay turned to the Captain.  "We should do a deck-by-deck survey to find out if everyone else is affected."

She opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by Seven.

"That would not be wise.  We should first restore weapons and shields before we waste our efforts surveying this vessel."

"Agreed," said Tuvok.  "That would be the logical course of action."

"We need to know who we are and what's going on before we start shooting at anyone," chipped in Tom.

"He's right," said Chakotay.  "We should find out as much as possible about ourselves before we take any drastic measures."

"I do not believe that readying our weapons would be a drastic measure," said Seven.  "It is conceivable that our memory loss was not accidental."

"What?" said Harry.

"You think somebody did this to us on purpose?" asked Chakotay.

"It could have been an attack intended to render our systems inoperative and our crew vulnerable."

"Have you detected any ships?" the Captain asked Harry.

"No."

"However, our sensors are not functioning at their full capacity," pointed out Tuvok.  "What she suggests is therefore a possibility that must be considered."

Janeway sighed.  "Well, why don't you three," she said, indicating Tuvok, Seven, and Harry, "Work on weapons, shields, and propulsion while we start working our way through the ship," she finished, indicating herself and Chakotay.

"An inefficient procedure," said Seven firmly.

"Oh really?" said the Captain with a raised eyebrow.  "There may be others on board who could help us.  Wouldn't it be efficient to get some assistance?"

Seven paused.  "Proceed," she said finally.

"The rest of you," said the Captain, indicating Tom and the other two officers that were on the bridge, "Can try and access the personnel files unless the other three need your assistance."

"That would also be inefficient," said Seven.

"Don't you think it would be better if we all had names?"

Seven thought about that for a minute.  "Designations would be more efficient," she conceded.  "Perhaps we should create some."

"Create some?" repeated Chakotay.  "How?"

"A simple numerical identifier would suffice."

"A numerical identifier?" said the Captain with a mix of amusement and incredulity.

Seven looked around.  "There are eight individuals here.  I will be designated One of Eight."  She turned to Tuvok.  "Your designation is Two of Eight. Three of Eight," she announced to Harry.  "Four of Eight," she told the Captain.  Her eyebrow went up but she made no comment.  "Five of Eight, Six of Eight, Seven of Eight, Eight of Eight," she told Chakotay, Lieutenant Paris, Ensign Ashmore, and Ensign Sharr, respectively.

"This is ridiculous," muttered the Captain.

"Do you have a better suggestion?" demanded Seven with a raised eyebrow.

Janeway stared at her.  "Not at the moment," she admitted quietly after a pause.

"Very well," pronounced Seven, satisfied.  She stood up straight with her hands behind her back.  "Four and Five of Eight, proceed with your survey of this vessel.  Report back here when you have completed the task."

Janeway looked at Chakotay with amusement, but before she could reply or object to Seven's orders, the ex-drone pivoted and began giving orders to the rest of the officers.

She inclined her head towards the doors at the back of the bridge, and he followed her as they left the group.  She stopped as they passed the large diagram of the ship.  Reaching up, she traced her fingers over the words near the top of the schematic.

"U.S.S. Voyager," she said quietly.  "I guess we know the name of our ship."

He nodded and stepped up next to her to examine the schematic.  "Looks like there are fifteen decks," he said, picking up a nearby PADD and downloading the information onto it.

"Well…" She paused and frowned.  "What was your designation again?" she asked with a smile.

He chuckled.  "Five of Eight…I think."

"Well, Five of Eight, shall we start at the top or work our way up?"

"Might as well work our way up and end up back here," he said.

She shrugged.  "Sounds good to me.  I guess we should start here." She turned around slowly.  "It looks like there are a few rooms adjacent to this one."

"After you," he said, indicating the door over by Ops.  They moved over to it and through the door, poking their heads in.

"Looks like some kind of meeting room," he observed.

She nodded, stepping further into the room.  It was empty except for the table and chairs in the center of the room.  The walls and table were bare of anything that might have been a source of information.  "And there doesn't seem to be any clues about who we are."  She sighed.  "Well, that's one room down."

They turned around and left the conference room, then moved across the bridge and entered the ready room.

"What have we got here?" she asked softly as she moved over to the desk.

Chakotay followed her in and looked around.  "Looks like some kind of office.  The commanding officer's, maybe?"

"Nice view."

"Look familiar?"

She turned around and regarded him with an amused look.  "No.  You?"

He shook his head.  "No."

She moved over to the desk and rifled around.  "I can't see anything here that would give us a clue."

"No photos, letters, reports?  Anything?"

She shook her head as she scanned the few PADDs that were scattered around the desk.  "An engineering report about…dilithium usage.  A supply list from the galley.  They're marked for the attention of…Captain Janeway, whoever that is.  Nothing that will help us."

"Shall we try door number two?" he asked, indicating the other exit to the ready room.

She followed him out the door to deck two.  They moved down the deserted hallway until they reached the twin doors that led to the mess hall.  They could hear the voices of all the people inside before the doors opened.  When they stepped through the doors, the mess hall became silent as all heads turned towards them.  Lieutenant Baxter and Lieutenant Carey, who were sitting near the doors engaged in deep conversation, rose and made their way over to them.

There was a somewhat awkward silence before Joe Carey spoke up.  "Do either of you know…who you are?"

Janeway sighed -- she had hoped that whatever had affected the eight people on the upper deck had not affected the rest of the crew.  "No, and neither does anybody else in the command center."

"What's going on?" asked Baxter.

"We don't know, but the others are working on it.  Whatever it was, it's affecting the computers as well."

"Yeah, we noticed that," said Baxter.

"None of you remembers anything about who you are?" asked Janeway, looking around the room.  Heads shook all around.

"We've been trying to get the computer in here working," said Carey, "But there's definitely something wrong with the main processors."

Janeway appraised him carefully.  "You're obviously an engineer."

He stopped, surprised.  "I guess I am…I never really thought about it."

Marla Gilmore came over to their group.  "Sir?" she said, addressing Carey, "There's something over here that you should see."

They followed her over to the galley, where she showed them one of the bio-neural gelpacks.  Mixed through the normal blue color of the gelpack were sick looking veins of brown.

"What is that?" asked the Captain.

"We think it's a part of the main computer…some kind of processing unit," reported Gilmore.

Carey stepped closer and examined it.  "Well, whatever it is, it doesn't look like it's working properly."

"Continue your investigation," ordered the Captain.  "If you find anything, report it to the command center on deck one."

"What should we do?" asked Baxter.

"Stay here until we figure out what's going on," said Chakotay.

"We're going through the ship deck by deck," added Janeway.  "Hopefully we can find some kind of clue as to who we are."

Neelix came out of the kitchen carrying a tray of snacks.  "I found some more of -- "  He stopped when he spotted Janeway and Chakotay standing in front of the galley.  "Oh," he said, "More people -- wonderful!  Are you hungry?"

Janeway threw Chakotay an amused glance.

"I've got lots of…whatever this is," continued Neelix.  "We might as well eat while we wait.  I've also got some--"

"That's all right," interrupted Janeway, holding up her hand to stop him.  "But thank you."

She turned back to Carey and Baxter.  "Stay here until you hear from us again."  Louder, she added, "I'm sure they're doing everything possible to find out what's wrong."

The crowd didn't look reassured, but there was nothing she and Chakotay could do about it.  She nodded to him and he followed her out the door and across the hall to the turbolift.

"Deck…fifteen," said Chakotay, checking the schematics in his hand.

Captain Janeway closed her eyes and leaned against the back of the turbolift.

"You okay?"

She rubbed the side of her head with her hand.  "I guess so…I was just hoping that whatever it was that erased our memories hadn't affected the rest of the ship.  Then at least somebody would be able to tell us who we are."  She put her hands on her hips.  "I can't stand being out of control like this."

They rode for a few seconds in silence before the Captain glanced up at Chakotay with a strange look on her face.

"What is it?" he asked.

She was silent for a moment while she tried to think of the right words.  "Does this seem…familiar at all?"

"Familiar?" He thought for a moment.  "No…not exactly."

"But it does seem…"

"Natural," he offered.

"Yes," she said.  "Natural.  Like we've done this before…but it doesn't seem familiar that way.  Am I making any sense?"

"No," he grinned, "But that's okay.  I know what you mean."

"Really?"

He nodded.  "This…us working together…I can't explain it.  It's just a feeling."

She stared at him until the turbolift stopped.  "After you," she said when the doors opened.

*   *   *

"Next stop, deck eleven," announced Chakotay as the turbolift started to move again.

The Captain smiled.  "Main engineering.  At least there should be more to see here than on the lower decks."

"You didn't enjoy your tour of the antimatter processing lab?"  He managed to keep a straight face for about five seconds before he broke out in a smile that was matched on her face.

"Maybe you're an engineer," he suggested.

She shrugged.  "Then what was I doing in the command center?"

The smiles on their faces evaporated immediately as the gravity of their situation returned.  He didn't have an answer to her question and after a few seconds the turbolift stopped.  When they stepped out of it, they walked a few steps before Chakotay stopped and checked the PADD he was carrying.

"Main engineering is just down the corridor," he pronounced.

They moved down the hallway until they reached the double doors that led to engineering.  As soon as they entered, they could hear raised and angry voices.

"I'm telling you, a complete reinitialization won't do any good," yelled B'Elanna.  "We need to find out what's actually causing the problem."

"A complete shutdown should purge any abnormalities in the system," countered Vorik calmly.

"If we shut everything down, we might lose the few systems we still have!"

"Unlikely."

"Who the hell are you to tell me what to do?" she screamed back at him.

"If we knew who we were, we wouldn't have this problem," Lieutenant Nicoletti told her sarcastically.

"Hey," snapped Ensign Tabor.  "Who asked you?"

"We have to track down some schematics and find out about the main processor," insisted B'Elanna.  "I've had enough of your suggestions."

Vorik raised an eyebrow.  "I am merely proceeding as dictated by logic."

"Rrrrrr!" growled B'Elanna.  "I don't care what your logic says -- we can't reinitialize the system."

"Repeating the same statement will not make it any more logical."

"Get out of the way and let her work," said Tabor.

It looked like the entire engineering team was seconds away from a brawl, so the Captain and Chakotay stepped forward into the middle of the group.

"Everybody calm down," said Chakotay, restraining B'Elanna.

"Who are you?" asked B'Elanna, still angry.

"I wish I could tell you.  Now, why don't you all take a deep breath and then tell me what's going on."

"We are trying to reach a consensus on the best course of action to resolve the problems with the main computer," offered Vorik.

"I think we need to examine the computer before we do anything, but pointy here wants to shut everything down so we lose what little we have right now."

The Captain held up her hand.  "All right, that's enough.  We've come down from the command center to do a deck by deck survey.  Do any of you remember who you are?"

"No," said Tabor.

"If we did," said B'Elanna, "Then maybe we would know who's in charge down here."

"Until we do," suggested the Captain, "Perhaps the four of you could cooperate instead of bickering?"

"I don't think we should restart the computer core," insisted B'Elanna. "It will make everything worse."

"Fine," said Chakotay.  He turned to Vorik and Nicoletti.  "Try her idea first.  If examining the system doesn't suggest any possible solutions, then try reinitializing the main computer core as a last resort."  He turned back and glared at B'Elanna.  "All right?"

"Fine," she said with a curt nod.

"Until we get the internal communications working," said Janeway, "Send somebody up to the command center with progress reports.  They're working on the problem from their end too."

"Understood," said B'Elanna.  She turned around to the rest of the engineering team.  "All right.  You three, get to the upper level and start checking out some of those access tubes.  You two, see if you can access the data processors and find out what the hell is going on."

She continued giving orders, and the Captain and Chakotay turned around and started back for the door.

"That's 47 people so far,"  she said.  "And we've still got eight decks to go."

*    *    *

"Cargo bay 2," said Chakotay, making a note on his PADD as they stepped through the large doors.

"What have we got here?" she asked, moving towards the regeneration alcoves.

"It doesn't look like any of the technology we've seen so far."

"No," she said, reaching out to run her hands over one of the Borg displays. "It certainly doesn't."

"I wonder what it does."

She walked over and stepped up into one of the alcoves.  "It looks like it might be some kind of interface."

A sudden thought occurred to her and she looked back at Chakotay.  "That woman on the bridge with mechanical implants…I wonder if she has something to do with these."

He shrugged and made another note on the PADD, taking a final look around the cargo bay.

She stepped down from the alcove and they started for the door, but she stopped suddenly.

"Did you hear something?"

He stopped and turned around.  "No.  What?"

"Like…something being knocked over," she said, moving back towards the middle of the cargo bay.  "Hello?  Is anyone there?"

She thought she heard another noise coming from the corner of the cargo bay, and she moved in that direction.  "Is somebody there?"

She saw a small head poke out from behind a cargo container and quickly dart back into hiding.  She glanced back at Chakotay and then turned back to the corner.

"It's all right -- we're not going to hurt you."

She saw the head poke out again, and Naomi Wildman tentatively came out from her hiding spot.

"Hi there," said the Captain.

Naomi looked at her suspiciously and didn't answer.

"Can you tell us your name?" asked the Captain gently.

Naomi bit her lip and shook her head.  "I…can't remember."

She smiled reassuringly.  "That's okay.  Neither can I."

The relief on Naomi's face was obvious.  "Really?"

Chakotay walked over to them.  "Everybody on the ship is having trouble remembering things."

Naomi's eyes widened.  "We're on a ship?"

Janeway reached over and took Chakotay's PADD from him, showing it to Naomi.  "Here.  We're on deck 9, right about here.  Do you remember anything about the ship?  Where you live?  Anything?"

"Sorry," said Naomi as she handed back the PADD to the Captain.  "Everybody's having trouble remembering?"

"None of us know who we are or what we're doing here," said Chakotay.  "Does anything here look familiar?"

Naomi shook her head.

"What's the last thing you remember?" asked the Captain.

"I woke up in the corridor…and I came in here.  I knew this was where I was going…but I didn't remember what it was."

The Captain looked back at Chakotay.  "That's more than anyone else remembers."  She turned back to Naomi.  "You knew you were coming to the cargo bay.  Do you remember why?"

"I did at first," Naomi told her, "But I can't remember now."

"That's all right," the Captain assured her.  "We have to finish our survey of the ship now."

"Can I come with you?" asked Naomi.  "I…don't want to stay here all by myself."

The Captain smiled and glanced at Chakotay, who nodded.

"We could use some help," she said.

Chakotay handed Naomi the PADD.  "Here.  You can keep track of the crew we find, so we know how many people are on board."

"Yes, sir."

Naomi proudly led the way out of the cargo bay, and the Captain dropped back to walk with Chakotay out of her hearing range.

"I wonder if there are more children on board," he said quietly.

"It's possible.  At least we know we haven't seen her parents yet."

"What makes you say that?"

She pointed to her forehead, referring to Naomi's protrusions.

"Maybe it's a trait that's only apparent in the young."

"Maybe," she conceded.

"If that's the case, she could belong to any of the people we've encountered so far.  Who knows -- she might even be yours.  Her hair's about the right color."

The Captain stopped in her tracks and turned to look at him, the shock apparent on her face.  "I never even thought of that," she whispered.

"I wasn't serious.  You're probably right -- her parents probably look like her too."

She shook her head as they began walking again.  "I didn't mean her specifically.  I never even considered the possibility that I have a family."  She turned to him.  "What if I do and I can't remember them?  I could have children, a husband…"

"I don't think that's likely."

"How can you be sure?"

He pointed to her left hand.  "You're not wearing a ring."

She lifted up her hand.  "Good point."  She looked up at him.  "Wait a minute…how did you know that?"

"What?"

"That wearing a ring is a sign of commitment."

His lips parted in surprise.  "I…I don't know.  I just do."

She was still examining her hand curiously.  "So do I."  She finally looked up at him with a grin.  "Maybe I'm unattached after all."

*    *    * 

"What's next, crewman?" asked the Captain as she and Chakotay followed Naomi down the corridor.

Naomi consulted her PADD.  "Sickbay.  It's the next door on the left."

They entered Sickbay to find it empty.

"That's odd," said Chakotay.  "You'd think there would be some kind of medical personnel on duty."

"Maybe they left," suggested the Captain.  "To try and find out what's going on."

She walked over to one of the consoles and entered a series of commands.

"The main computer's still down," she reported, then she frowned.  "There's some kind of...computer program in the databanks."

"Computer program?" said Chakotay, joining her at the console.  "What kind of program?"

"I'm not sure…but whatever it is, it's massive…over 20 teraquads of information."

"20 teraquads?"  He reached over and pressed one of the buttons.  

"Look -- some kind of subroutines.  It looks like it might be interactive."

"Can you activate it?"

"No -- at least not until we figure out what's wrong with the computer processors."

"Maybe the computer is having trouble remembering, too," suggested Naomi as she walked around Sickbay.

"Maybe," said the Captain as she continued working.  "Well, whatever this program is, we're not going to get it up and running any time soon.  We'll have to have one of the people from engineering take a look at it."

*     *     *

"How many people have we accounted for so far?" asked Chakotay as they rode the turbolift to deck three.

Naomi checked her PADD.  "One hundred thirty seven."

The turbolift doors opened and they exited.  The first two quarters were empty, and Lieutenant Rollins was in the third quarters they tried.  They briefly explained the situation and told him to remain where he was.

"That's one hundred thirty eight," said Naomi.

They tried the next set of doors.  There was no answer, so they forced it open manually.  They entered the quarters and looked around.  

"Hello?" called the Captain.  "Is there anybody here?"

When there was no response and a cursory inspection revealed the quarters to be empty, they turned to leave.

The Captain was nearly at the door when Chakotay called her back.  "You might want to have a look at this."

She turned around and walked over to the desk where he was standing.  He handed her a photograph, and her eyes widened as she carefully took it from him and ran her fingers over it.  It was a picture of a handsome grey-haired man, sitting next to a large dog…and on the other side of the dog was her.  Her hair was longer, and pulled up behind her head, but it was definitely her.

"I guess I live here," she said quietly, looking up at him.

"Do you want to have a look around?"

She nodded and put the photo back on the desk.  "Maybe I can find something here that will give us a clue to who we…who I am."

"We could try the computer terminal," he suggested.

They pulled it over, and she tried to access her personal logs.  The main computer was still offline, though, and they were unsuccessful.  

None of the PADDs laying around the room were of any use -- they were mostly status reports from different areas of the ship.

"This one's directed to the attention of Lieutenant Commander Tuvok," said Chakotay.

The Captain shook her head.  "This one's for Captain Janeway, and these two are for Lieutenant Torres.  There's also a few for Commander Chakotay.  There's no way to know if any of these people are me."

It took them about twenty minutes before they found anything of relevance.

"Here," said Chakotay, standing up beside a small bookcase.

"What?" she asked, coming over.  He handed her a book.

"_Inferno," she read.  "By Dante.  What about it?"_

"Look inside the front cover."

She opened the cover and read the handwritten inscription.  "To Kathryn.  All my love, Mark."

"Kathryn.  Sound familiar?"

She shook her head.  "I'm afraid not.  But maybe I borrowed it from somebody."

He moved away from the bookshelf towards the chair in the middle of the room, and something  caught his attention.  He picked up the book on the footstool and flipped open the cover.  "If that's true," he said, passing her the book.  "Then you borrowed this one too."

She took it from him and read another handwritten message on the inside cover of the book from the chair.  "Happy Birthday, Kathryn. Chakotay."  She flipped the cover over.  "_The Odyssey by Homer."_

"Mark," said Chakotay.  "I wonder if that's me."

She looked carefully at the two books then looked up at him with a grin.  "No…that tattoo of yours…I think you're more of a Chakotay."

"Doesn't sound familiar."

She sighed.  "Nothing seems familiar.  Not even my own name."

Naomi came over from the window, reading from her PADD.  "We've only got the rest of deck three left."

"They're probably expecting us back at the command center," said Chakotay.

"We should get moving," agreed the Captain.

"Can I come with you to the command center when we're finished?" asked Naomi. 

"I'm afraid not.  You can stay here if you like."

"Or we could take you to the common area on deck 2," suggested Chakotay.  "There were quite a few people there."

"Okay," agreed Naomi.  "Do you think my parents will be there?"

The Captain glanced at Chakotay.  They had gone over almost the entire ship, and they had yet to see anyone who appeared to be of the same species as Naomi.  "Maybe," she said.  "But I doubt you'll recognize them even if they are."

"I'll know them," insisted Naomi.

*    *    *

The Captain and Chakotay entered the conference room and took seats to the left of Seven of Nine, who had placed herself at the head of the table.  Tuvok was seated to her right, and Harry and Tom were seated beside him.  Engineering had sent both Vorik and B'Elanna, since deciding on one delegate would probably have led to another general brawl.  Ensign Ashmore and Ensign Sharr were seated on the other side of Janeway and Chakotay.

"We've been able to restore partial weapons and shields," said Harry.  "But targeting is still offline.  If we need to defend ourselves, we'll have to fire manually."

"Well," pointed out Tom, "Since we don't know who the heck is supposed to be firing the torpedoes, I'd say that's the least of our problems."

"On the contrary," said Tuvok. "I was at the tactical station so it is logical to assume that weapons are my primary responsibility."

"Agreed," said Seven. "You will be responsible for tactical."

"What about sensors?" asked Chakotay.

"They're working, barely," said Kim.

"Have you tried scanning for any other vessels that resemble us?" asked Janeway.  "That share our hull configuration or warp signature, for instance."

"No vessels within range share this vessel's configurations," said Seven.

"There appears to be some sort of astronomical scanning lab on deck 8," said Chakotay.  "Its sensors might have a longer range than ours."

"It might also have a record of our course," said Tom.  "Give us an idea of where we've been recently.   We might even find our home planet."

"We won't be able to access the navigational logs until we've restored the main computer processor," Harry told him.

"What if we sent out a distress signal?  Other ships in the area might be able to tell us something about where we came from," suggested the Captain.

"Inadvisable," said Tuvok.  "There may be vessels in the area who regard us as adversaries."

"Advising them of our strategic weakness would be unwise," agreed Seven.

The Captain glanced at Chakotay and sighed.

"Four and Five of Eight, report," continued Seven.

"Everyone on board has the same problem that we do," said Chakotay.  "We accounted for 144 crew, at least nine different species."

"There is also one other crewmember who has artificial implants," said the Captain.  "We encountered him in the astronomical scanning facility on deck 8."

"I will examine him later," said Seven.

"We found a few people in the common area on deck 2 who demonstrated skills in other areas, but we haven't been able to find a doctor yet," continued the Captain.  "There appears to be some kind of interactive matrix in the Sickbay computer, but we can't access it."

"Kathryn and I both agree that should be one of our first priorities.  Accessing the Sickbay computers might help us find a way to determine what's wrong with us."

The other officers looked back and forth at each other.

"Kathryn?" repeated Tom.

"We located what I think are my quarters," she explained.  "There were some personal items with the name Kathryn in them."

"We should limit our discussion to relevant matters," said Seven dismissively.  "We believe we have an explanation for why the computer is malfunctioning."   She walked over to the wall and pulled up a schematic of the ship.  "This vessel's computer consists of bio-neural circuitry.  It mimics an organic nervous system."

The Captain sat up, intrigued.  "So whatever is affecting our memories…"

"Is having the same effect on the computer," finished Harry.

"Precisely," said Seven.

"Can you find out what's causing it?" asked the Captain.

"Not yet."

"Is it reversible?" asked Chakotay.

"It's too soon to tell," said Harry.

"We require more information," said Seven.  "Three of Eight and I are going to proceed with an examination of some of the bio-neural gelpacks.  Six of Eight, you can assist us."

Tom, once he realized that was his designation, frowned and looked around the table.  "Look, I'd love to help, but we're not going to get any thinking done when we're all exhausted. Why don't we all get some rest and start again tomorrow?"

Tuvok raised an eyebrow.  "You are fatigued?"

"Yeah -- aren't you?  I can't remember the last time I slept."

Some of the crew chuckled at that.

"Well," said the Captain diplomatically, "I am, and I can tell that most of you are as well."

"I do not require rest at this time," said Seven.  "Two of Eight and I will continue our investigation."

They pushed back their chairs and started to leave, but Harry spoke up.

"Uh…where exactly are we supposed to sleep?"

The Captain and Chakotay looked at each other and grinned after a minute, glad to find something amusing in the situation.

"We hadn't really thought about that," admitted Chakotay.  "Just pick a room and lock the door."

"Maybe tomorrow we'll be able to access the crew manifest, and then we can figure out who goes where," offered the Captain.

They all got up and filed out of the conference room.  The Captain entered the turbolift, and the doors were about to close when Chakotay called after her.

"Wait up," he said, walking towards the turbolift.  She kept the doors open and he got in the turbolift with her.  "Where are you going?"

"Deck two," she ordered as the doors closed.  "I thought we should let the people in the common area know what we've found out."

"Ka…Do you mind if I call you Kathryn?"

She smiled.  "It's better than Four of Eight."

"I thought maybe you'd prefer something else."

"Like what?"

"I don't know -- maybe your friends call you Kate, or Kathy."

She scrunched up her face.  "I don't know…I don't see myself as a 'Kathy.'"

"Kathryn it is, then."

"Besides," she said, smiling slyly.  "What makes you think you're one of my friends?"

She was joking, but he took the comment seriously.

"I don't know," he admitted.  "Just instinct, I guess.  I trust you."

She looked up at him in surprise and it was a few seconds before she answered.  "I feel the same way.  I can't explain why, but I trust everyone on this ship…but you…it's more with you."

"Like we've know each other for years."

"Yes," she exclaimed, then smiled sadly.  "Except I don't remember you at all."

The turbolift stopped and the doors opened on deck two.  They got out and walked towards the mess hall.

Carey and Baxter were still in the center of the room, but there were fewer people gathered here than before.  The two men joined them as soon as they entered.

"Any progress?" asked Baxter.

Janeway shook her head.  "I'm afraid not.  We may be able to get the main computer up and running within the next day or so, but we're no closer to finding out who we are."

The disappointment on the faces around them was evident.

"What are we supposed to do?" asked Carey.

The Captain sighed.  "Get some rest, if possible."

"We'll start again in the morning," added Chakotay.

There was discontented grumbling, but it seemed more against the uncertainty of their situation than against the messengers or the orders.

Before Lieutenant Carey moved off, the Captain caught his attention.  "You seem to have some knowledge of how the ship's systems work." He nodded.  "In Sickbay, we found some sort of interactive program.  I thought you might be able to take a look at it.  Neither of us," she added with a glance at Chakotay, "Could make heads or tails of it."

"Not a problem."  He started to move away, then paused.  "Where's Sickbay?"

She smiled.  "Deck five."

He nodded and left.  Most of the others gathered had dispersed as well, and she and Chakotay were about to leave when Naomi Wildman came over to them.

"Have you found out what's affecting our memories?"

The Captain smiled sympathetically and shook her head. "I'm afraid not."

"What about my parents?" she asked, her lower lip beginning to tremble. 

Janeway's heart melted and she glanced at Chakotay before kneeling down to Naomi's level.  "No.  I'm sorry.  If we get the computer fixed tomorrow, maybe we'll be able to access the personnel files."

Naomi nodded bravely, but then wavered.  "Can I stay with you tonight?  I…I'm not afraid," she added, "But I don't want to be by myself."

The Captain nodded.  "I've got lots of room.  You're more than welcome to sleep in my quarters."

"Did you get something to eat?" asked Chakotay.

Naomi nodded.  "I helped the furry man in the kitchen cook, and he's been serving snacks."

"Do you think he'll mind if we grab a couple?"

She shook her head.  "He seems pretty friendly."

Chakotay inclined his head towards the galley with a grin, and the Captain followed him.  They saw the half-eaten platter of snacks sitting on the counter, and they each grabbed a few on napkins and left the mess hall.  The Captain tasted one first.

"What's it like?" he asked, eyeing the food suspiciously.

She chewed thoughtfully.  "Tastes like chicken," she pronounced with her mouth full.

He frowned.  "How do you know what chicken tastes like?"

She stopped in her tracks.  "I don't know," she finally admitted with a smile.  She watched as he took a tentative bite.  "So?"

"Tastes like chicken," he agreed with a mischievous grin.

She laughed and they continued down the hallway to the turbolift.  They took it to deck three, and Chakotay walked them in the direction of her quarters.  When they reached them, Naomi immediately darted inside, but the Captain paused before going in.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said softly.

"Good night."  He started to leave, but turned back before she closed the door.  "Kathryn?"

"Yes?"

"I'll be right next door if you need anything."

The corners of her mouth turned up in a smile.  "Thank you."

He smiled as well and she stepped back to let the doors close.  She stood motionless in front of the closed doors as the feeling that she had been having for the past few hours with him suddenly grew stronger.  It wasn't a memory; it wasn't even familiarity.  It felt as if everything she had forgotten was just beyond her grasp, and that if she concentrated hard enough it would all come back to her.  

It was fleeting, though, and after a minute she lost the sensation.

"I found an extra blanket," said Naomi, coming in from the bedroom.  "I'll put it on the couch, if that's okay."

The Captain nodded absentmindedly, still trying to grab hold of whatever it was she had been feeling or remembering a moment ago.

"Are you okay?" asked Naomi, concerned.

"I'm fine," the Captain assured her, bringing herself out of her reverie.  She moved over and helped Naomi spread the blanket out over the couch.  The young girl crawled under it and made herself comfortable.

"Do you think we'll find my parents tomorrow?" she asked, stifling a yawn.

"I'm sure we'll find them."

Naomi closed her eyes, but then opened them again.  "How come nobody on board looks like me?"

She sighed.  She had been hoping that Naomi's…uniqueness would not strike her in relation to finding her parents.  She decided to give her the explanation that Chakotay had suggested earlier.  "I'm not sure.  Maybe the adults of your species look different than the children."

Naomi was not reassured.  "What if they don't?  What if I'm all by myself?"

The plaintive tremble in her voice was nearly enough to move the Captain to tears.  "You're not all by yourself.  There are a hundred and forty-three other people on this ship who can look out for you."

Naomi considered this for a moment.  "If we don't find my parents, can I stay with you?"

There was no telling whether or not that would actually possible, depending on what her…personal situation was, but the Captain could see that her young companion needed the comfort.  "Of course."

Finally satisfied, she snuggled under the covers and closed her eyes again.  The Captain got up and turned away, but she heard Naomi mumble as she started to drift off, "I hope you're my mom."

She actually stood in complete silence for a full minute, staring at the young girl who was now asleep.

"I hope so too," she finally whispered.  She knew it was unlikely, though, that this girl was her daughter, since there were no pictures of her around her quarters and there was only one bed.  Surely if she had children there would be pictures of them, or toys, or something.  Everything she had seen so far indicated that she lived alone.

After one last glance at the sleeping Naomi, she turned and entered the bedroom.  It was neat and tidy, but obviously lived in.  She had to open a few drawers in the dresser before she found what had to be her sleepwear.  Stripping off her uniform, she chose a nightgown of a soft dark blue material and pulled it over her head.  She folded her uniform and set it on a nearby chair.  When she stood up, a picture on the opposite dresser caught her attention.  She walked over and slowly picked it up.  It was a holo-image of a group of people that were, surprisingly, familiar to her -- most of them were the people she had seen in the command center.  The man from tactical with the pointy ears was there, standing next to the dark-haired young man that knew a lot about the ship.  The blond pilot was there, standing surprisingly close to the feisty young woman they had met in engineering.  She noted with astonishment that the odd-looking man from the galley was also there with a big grin on his face.  The authoritative woman with the cybernetic implants was there, and she was standing next to a bald man.  She squinted and held the picture closer.  She didn't think they had met the bald man in their survey of the ship, which she found odd.  Maybe he had been reassigned after the image was taken.

She was standing near the middle of the group, with her tattooed friend by her side.  She saw with amazement that her hand was resting familiarly on his shoulder.  They were both smiling broadly.

"I guess we _are friends," she muttered to herself.  It was quite obvious from the photo that most of the group of eight that was currently running the ship worked closely together.  She inspected the image carefully, hoping to find some indication of who the people were, but there was nothing.  Of course, she reasoned, if these were her close friends she would have no need to label the image with their names._

She slowly returned the picture to its proper place and crawled into bed.  Despite the lateness of the hour and the amount of time they had spent walking around the ship, sleep did not come easily.  She rolled over onto one side, then the other, but couldn't seem to get comfortable.  Inevitably, her mind returned again and again to their situation.

They were on a ship, obviously.  From their inspection of the cargo bays, they seemed to be equipped for some kind of long-range missions.  But what kind of missions?  Were they explorers?  At war?  Part of a larger society?  The answer to the last question would appear to be yes, considering their uniforms and the seemingly standardized equipment they had discovered.

The personal aspect of it all also weighed heavily on her.  She had absolutely no idea who she was.  Where she was from, why she was here, what her job was.  What she had so far discovered about herself far outweighed what still remained unknown.  It was overwhelming, not knowing something as intimate as your own personality.

She sighed.  Dwelling on this wouldn't get her anywhere, so she resolved to try and keep her mind off it and get some sleep.


	2. Fleeting Shadows

DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill - Paramount is God.  All hail Paramount.  They own everything in the Star Trek Universe - I'm just using my overactive imagination to take their characters where they refuse to go.  All in the name of fun, not profit (I wish).

COURTING DISASTER

CHAPTER TWO: FLEETING SHADOWS

_"I'm reading a coherent tetrion beam scanning us."_

_"The wave will intercept us in twelve seconds."_

_"Brace for impact!"_

_"She's dead."_

_"We're on the other side of the galaxy."_

_"Sending you back is terribly complicated.  Don't you understand?"_

_"If you destroy the array, we'll have no way to get home."_

_"We never asked to be involved, Tuvok, but we are."_

_"Ready the tricobalt devices."_

_"What do you think you're doing?  That array is the only way we have to get back home!"_

_"I'm not willing to trade the lives of the Ocampa for our convenience."_

_"Who is she to be making this decision for all of us?"_

_"She's the Captain."_

_"Fire."_

The word echoed in her ears as the Captain let out a scream and sat up in bed drenched with cold sweat.  Her heart was pounding in her chest, and she drew her knees towards her and rested her arms on them, putting her head in her trembling hands.  She could hear her heart thumping in her ears, and her breathing was rapid and irregular as she gulped in air.  Waves of sudden emotions descended on her -- panic, regret, sadness, fear.  Her shoulders shook with a sob and she squeezed her eyes shut to try and block out the overwhelming sensations.  She tried to take slow, deep breaths and calm down.

She looked up suddenly as the significance of her dream began to dawn on her.  She had recognized people, she had known herself…she had remembered everything.  She struggled to remember now, but it was quickly slipping away.  It was there, she could sense it, almost see it, but it seemed to get dimmer the more she tried to remember.  She pounded a pillow with her fist in frustration.  It was gone now, but while she was dreaming it had all come back.

Although trying to remember who she was proved futile, parts of her dream remained with her…and they were disturbing.  She could only remember images, flashes, and emotions, but even those left her deeply unsettled.

Something terrible had happened…and she had been responsible. 

Knowing that sleep would be impossible, at least for the moment, she got out of bed and made her way to the main living area.  Naomi was still sleeping soundly on the couch, and the Captain looked at her enviously.  She looked so peaceful, so innocent, apparently undisturbed by nightmares.

She was startled from her examination of Naomi when the door chimed.  She was too surprised to make any reply for a moment, but she finally walked over to the door and opened it to reveal Chakotay.

"Are you all right?" he asked, stepping in and looking at her carefully.

Needing comfort right then, she moved towards him and buried her face in his shoulder, putting her arms around his waist.  He was surprised for a moment, but then put his arms around her, stroking her hair.

She remained in his embrace until she became aware that she could feel the heat from his body and she quickly stepped away.  He was wearing sleepwear, a blue-grey shirt with matching pants, and she was still wearing her blue nightgown which did very little to conceal her figure.

She crossed her arms self-consciously as he pretended not to notice how she was dressed.  "I -- I'm sorry," she stammered.  "I wasn't thinking, I…"

"Don't worry about it," he said quietly.  He examined her face carefully.  "I was awake and heard you scream."

"It was nothing," she said, embarrassed.  "I had a nightmare, that's all."

"It doesn't sound like nothing.  You're as white as a sheet."

She wavered, but stood her ground.  "I'm fine, really."

Although she was unaware of it, her hands were still trembling.  "You're not fine," he said, stepping forward and putting his hands over hers.

She gave in, finally letting her agitation show.  "No, I'm not," she admitted quietly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She glanced over her shoulder at Naomi.  "Not here," she said quietly, inclining her head towards the bedroom.  "I don't want to wake her up."

He nodded and followed her to the bedroom, where she crawled up onto the bed and pulled her knees up to her chest with her arms around her legs.  He sat nearby with his legs crossed.

"Tell me about your dream," he began quietly when they were settled.

"I don't remember much.  Images, mostly.  It all faded so fast."  She looked at him plaintively.  "I remembered," she said.  "I knew everything -- who I was, who all of you were.  Where I was from, what I was doing on this ship.  My whole life.  But when I woke up…it was gone in an instant."

He took a deep breath and reached over, putting his hand on her knee momentarily.  "Try to focus on the events and other people in the dream instead."

She took a moment to remember as much as she could.  "Something…terrible had happened.  People were hurt, dead.  We were…lost."

"We?  Do you remember who else was there?"

She closed her eyes, trying to picture faces.  "A young woman, dark hair, and an older man with grey hair…they died."

"Grey hair?  Was he the man from the photograph?"

She squinted, her eyes still closed.  "No."

"Who else?"

She concentrated, then opened her eyes suddenly.  "The young man with dark hair…uh…Three of Eight.  He was there."

"Do you remember anything about him?"

She shook her head.  "No, just that he was there."  She closed her eyes again.  "An old man…mysterious, evasive, powerful.  We…wanted something from him."

"Do you recognize him?"

"No.  He wouldn't give us what we wanted…and I…I…had to do something."  Her eyes flew open again.  "She was angry with me."

"Who?"

"The woman from engineering…with the forehead ridges."

"Why was she angry with you?"

"She…she didn't…"  It was there, but it was elusive and she just couldn't grasp it.  "I can't remember," she sighed in frustration.

"It's all right, don't force it.  What else can you remember?"

She looked at him suddenly, seeing him in a new light.  "You were there," she whispered.  "You…"  Her expression changed, softened.  "You stood up for me."

He smiled.  "Good.  Not that I think you're incapable of standing up for yourself."

She returned his smile for a moment, but it faded again as she tried to remember more.  "I was responsible," she said quietly after a moment.

"For what?"

She looked down at her hands.  "I don't know…and I'm not sure I want to."

They were silent for a few minutes before he spoke up quietly.  "I had a dream too."

She looked up.  "Oh?  How much do you remember?"

"Less than you."

"While you were dreaming, did you know who you were?"

He nodded.  "And when I woke up it was gone, just like you."

"What was the dream about?"

"I don't remember," he admitted.  "I was…in a desert, or something.  There were houses that looked like they had been burned to the ground.  Bodies everywhere.  Everything was destroyed."

She reached over sympathetically to touch his hand.

"I was…looking for somebody, or someplace."

"Did you find it?"

"I don't remember.  I don't think so."

"Were any of us there?"

"No.  I was alone.  I think it was…a long time ago.  Before I was here, on this ship.  Before I met you."

He said the last part with such certainty and affection that she was transfixed for a moment looking at his face, but she shook it off.  "Do you think these were just dreams?"

He looked at her with a penetrating gaze before he slowly shook his head.  "It felt too real to be just a dream."

She nodded in agreement.  They fell into silence again, and they were only interrupted by Naomi padding into the bedroom.

"Is everything okay?" she asked quietly.

"Everything's fine," the Captain assured her.  "I'm sorry -- did we wake you?"

"No.  I had a bad dream."

She and Chakotay glanced at each other.  

"Do you remember your dream?" asked Chakotay.

Naomi frowned and walked over to the bed, where she climbed up and sat next to the Captain.  "I was talking to a woman on a screen.  I missed her, and I was worried about her."

"Do you remember her face?" asked the Captain softly, brushing Naomi's hair back over her shoulders.

"She had blond hair, and she was scared.  I wanted her to come back."  She looked up at the Captain.  "Was it my mom?"

"Maybe," smiled the Captain.

"I had a bad dream too," offered Chakotay to take her mind of her parents.  "And so did Kathryn."

"What was yours?" she asked the Captain.

She considered how much she should tell her.  "I was lost," was all she admitted.

"What about you?"

"I was…looking for something," said Chakotay evasively.

Despite their meager descriptions, Naomi was satisfied.

"You should get back to sleep, young lady."

Naomi wavered.  "What if I…" She seemed to gather courage, and started to crawl off the bed.

"You know," said Janeway, "I might have another bad dream.  Would it be all right with you to stay in here with me instead?"

Chakotay concealed a smile at Naomi's obvious relief.  She hadn't wanted to appear scared, so she was glad that the suggestion came from the Captain instead.  "If you want me to," she said, affecting seriousness.

The Captain smiled and put a hand on her shoulder as she rose from the bed.  "I'll be right back."  

Chakotay followed her to the door, but stopped before he left.

"Are you sure you'll be all right?  I could sleep on the couch."

"I'll be fine, I promise."

"Well, if you change your mind you know where to find me."

"I wonder…"

"What?"

She smiled.  "Are you this overprotective of me all the time or just because we've lost our memories?"

He chuckled and turned around to leave.  

"Chakotay?"

He was too surprised at the name to wonder what she was going to say.  "Is that what you've decided to call me?"

She was surprised too, her use of the name not having struck her.  "I…It was in the book."

The corners of his mouth turned up in a smile, showing his dimples.  "And what makes you think it was a present from me?"

"Nothing," she admitted.  "I just…know that it's your name."

He accepted this.  "I guess it'll have to do," he said jokingly.  He turned to leave, but remembered that he had never answered her.  "What were you going to say?"

She held out her hand, and he took it.  "Thank you."

He looked down at their clasped hands, and moved his thumb slowly back and forth over her fingers.  Looking back at her, he saw she was looking at their hands as well but then met his gaze.  "You're welcome, Kathryn," he said.  He reached up with his other hand and rested it on her face, running his thumb over her cheek without breaking eye contact.

"Good night," he said finally, removing his hand from her face and stepping back.

"Good night."

He left, and she reached up to her cheek where his hand had been resting.  She stood there with her hand on her face for a few moments before she took a deep breath and moved back towards the bedroom, fervently hoping for at least a few hours sleep before they had to report to the command center at 0800.

*    *    *

_"I can't just leave and go looking for the child."_

_"And I'd never consider letting you go into a Kazon Nistrim stronghold by yourself.  If we do this, we do it together."_

_"Do you think it's a trap?"_

_"We can't just stay on this course and wait to see what they have in store for us."_

_"Two more Kazon ships approaching."_

_"I'm showing power failures all over the ship."_

_"All three Kazon ships are concentrating their fire on us now."_

_"We're being boarded through the shuttle bays."_

_"Initiate self-destruct sequence."_

_"You will be given no more respect than any Kazon woman now that your ship and technology are mine.  I will tell you when you may speak."_

_"Allow my crew to live.  They were only following my orders."_

_"A fitting end for a people who would not share their technology.  Let's see if you manage to survive without it."_

_"Our job is to make sure his death is the last one for a very long time.  I will not let this planet destroy my crew!"_

For the second time that night, the Captain bolted upright in bed, gasping for breath.  Cold sweat drenched her body, and her nightgown clung tightly to her clammy skin.  As soon as her initial disorientation passed, she frantically grasped at something, anything, that remained with her from the dream.  What had been there seconds before had evaporated, disappeared.  She squeezed her eyes shut in frustration.  As with the other dream she had already experienced that night, she could remember vague images and words from the dream itself, but nothing about the context -- what was happening, what she was doing and why.  Who she was.  She pulled her knees up to her chest and ran her fingers through her hair.

She lost track of time as she sat motionless on the bed, her fingers still intertwined in her hair.  She eventually came out of her trance and crawled back under the covers, rolling over on to her side.  She wished now that she had taken Chakotay up on his offer to sleep on the couch, because she could certainly use somebody to talk to right about now.  She glanced over at Naomi next to her on the bed, still sound asleep.  She had also had another nightmare, but at least it hadn't taken her long to fall back asleep.

She glanced at the chronometer and noticed with a frown that it was nearly 0710.  She threw the covers off with a sigh.  There was no point in going back to sleep when she had to report to the command center in less than an hour.

Naomi woke up a few seconds after she was dressed.

"How did you sleep?" asked the Captain, sitting down on the bed next to her.

"I didn't have any more nightmares after the last one."

"Good.  I have to go to the command center now.  Will you be all right?"

Naomi nodded, stretching and pushing the covers off herself.  "I'll get dressed then go help in the kitchen again.  The furry man said he could use some help chopping vegetables."

"I'll check in on you later."

"Will you tell me if you find my parents?"

"Of course.  You'll be the first to know, I promise."

*    *    *

From the looks of the rest of the command group when she arrived in the conference room, their sleep had been as unrewarding as hers.  Fortunately, someone had thought to bring a pot of coffee from the kitchen, and she gratefully poured herself a cup as she sat down.  She took a sip, letting the warm liquid slide down her throat with her eyes closed.

"It's that good?" said a voice quietly next to her ear.

Startled, she nearly dropped her mug and her eyes shot open.  She turned around to see Chakotay in the seat next to her with a grin on his face.

"Sorry.  I didn't mean to startle you."

She noticed his tired expression.  "Rough night?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Try the coffee.  It'll wake you up."

Tom Paris and Harry Kim entered, both looking like they hadn't gotten very much sleep.  They were the last to arrive.  

Tuvok looked around the table with a raised eyebrow.  "Perhaps we can make some progress on the main computer now that you have all had your required sleep."

"Speak for yourself," muttered Paris as he sat down.

"What's the matter?" smirked B'Elanna.  "Bed not comfortable enough for you?"

"I'll have you know it's quite comfortable.  I just kept having these nightmares."

The Captain and Chakotay glanced at each other and she leaned forward with her elbows on the table.  "Nightmares?"

"Yeah.  I barely got any sleep last night."

"Do you remember anything about them?"

He looked puzzled.  "Not really."

Harry leaned forward as well.  "I had nightmares too.  I couldn't remember very much either."

"Did anyone else have nightmares last night?"

"I did," said Ensign Ashmore.  "And I've heard of a few other people that did as well."

"I had bad dreams too," she said.  "I seem to have remembered more than the rest of you…and while I was dreaming, I knew who I was."

"You what?" said B'Elanna.

"I could remember everything -- my name, what we're doing on this ship, who all of you are, but when I woke up it was gone."

"The same thing happened to me," said Chakotay.

"It could be our memories resurfacing subconsciously," said Ensign Sharr.

"It might help if we all shared our dreams.  Who wants to go first?"

Seven interrupted him.  "Discussing our…dreams…is irrelevant.  We should concentrate our efforts on --"

"They're not just dreams," said the Captain.  "They could be memories.  Talking about them might help us remember something."

Seven looked displeased but didn't object further.

There was a silence for a few seconds before Tom Paris spoke up.  "I can only remember one of my dreams.  I was underwater."

"Underwater?" repeated the Captain.

"Were you drowning?" asked Harry.

"No.  I was in a…ship, I think."

"A ship?  Underwater? What kind of ship?" said Harry.

"I…I don't remember."

"What else do you remember?" asked the Captain.

"I was…trying to destroy something."

"A weapon of some sort?" asked Tuvok.

"I don't remember."  He looked at Seven suddenly and stared at her for a few seconds.  She shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny.  "You were there," he said suddenly.  "In the ship."

The Captain leaned forward excitedly.  "Anyone else?"

Tom looked around the table, and his gaze fell on Harry next to him.  "You."

"Me?" said Harry.

"You were in my dream too," said the Captain.

"Can you remember anything else?" asked Chakotay.

Tom shook his head.  "Sorry."

The Captain turned to B'Elanna opposite her.  "What about you?"

B'Elanna frowned.  "I can't remember.  It's all just a mess of images."

Ensign Ashmore spoke up next.  "I was…on this ship, I think.  I was trying to fix something, but I didn't want to.  I was being forced."

"Forced?"

"They were…large, tall aliens.  They had scaly skin.  They were forcing me to do things for them."

"You mean they had control of the ship?"

"They may have…I can't remember it all."

"Were any of us there?" asked Chakotay.

"Not that I can remember."

"What about you?" Tom asked Harry.

"We were somewhere dark and quiet," he said.

"We?" said Ensign Sharr.  "Who was with you?"

Harry frowned and looked around the table.  "It…it might have been some of you.  I don't remember."

"What else can you tell us?"

"We were nervous.  We had weapons.  It was like we were hunting something."

"Hunting?" repeated B'Elanna.  "Hunting what?"

"I don't know, but whatever it was, it found us."  He reached his hand up to his chest.  "I…was injured.  It was painful.  That's all I remember."

"What do you remember?" Torres asked the Captain.

"In the first dream I had, we were lost.  People were killed.  There was this old man that we wanted something from, but he wouldn't give it to us, so I had to do…something."

"What?"

"I can't remember, but it made the others angry.  In the second…"  She paused.  Her second dream was not as clear as the first.  "We were in danger.  It was…some kind of trap.  The ship was boarded."

Ensign Ashmore sat forward eagerly.  "Did they have pale, scaly skin with horns on their foreheads?"

She shook her head.  "No.  They were dark skinned.  Not scaly at all.  I can't remember anything else."

"Anyone else?" asked Tom.

"What about you?" the Captain asked Tuvok.

"If I experienced nightmares, I do not recall them."

Vorik also denied dreaming.

"You didn't dream either?" Harry asked Seven.

She shifted, obviously uncomfortable.  "I did have an…unpleasant dream."

"Tell us," said the Captain.

"I believe I was younger.  I was…frightened.  Terrified.  I was hiding from someone.  There were men chasing me.  They were going to hurt me."  Despite her attempts to appear unflustered, the Captain could see she was quite upset.  "It was…disconcerting."

She realized that everyone except Chakotay had mentioned their dreams.  "Did you have any more dreams?" she asked him.

"Not that I can remember."

Her eyes narrowed -- she could tell he was lying, or at the very least keeping something from them.  She decided to pursue it later.

"We should move on to the issue of restoring main computer functions," said Seven.  She nodded to Harry to begin.  

"We've analyzed the bio-neural component of the ship's computer.  As far as we can find, there's nothing wrong with them."

"Nothing wrong with them?" repeated B'Elanna.  "Then why the hell is the computer still down?"

He sighed, obviously asking himself the same question.

"We have not been able to ascertain the cause of the computer malfunctions," said Seven.

"As far as we can tell," added Harry, "There's nothing wrong with them _mechanically."_

"But there may be something wrong with the biological component," continued B'Elanna eagerly.

"Exactly."

The Captain's eyes lit up.  "Then maybe we need to find ourselves somebody who can tell us what's wrong with them biologically."

Her comment gained her the attention of the entire group, but it was Chakotay who finished the thought.  "The interactive matrix we found in Sickbay," he said.  "If we can get it up and running, we might be able to use it to analyze the gelpacks, or even us, to determine what caused all this."

"We met a man yesterday in the mess hall who seemed to have some engineering expertise," added the Captain.  "I asked him to take a look at it first thing this morning. Perhaps some of the engineering team could give him a hand."

"Two of Eight and I will proceed with our attempt to restore the defenses of this vessel," said Seven.  She turned to Torres and Vorik.  "You will create designations for yourselves when you recruit your team to examine the Sickbay computers.  Three and Seven of Eight can assist you if necessary."

B'Elanna looked like she was about to object, but a warning glance from Harry across the table stopped her and she settled for rolling her eyes.

"Four and Five of Eight, is there any part of the ship that hasn't been surveyed?"

"We covered everything yesterday," said Chakotay.

"I'd like to get started on getting access to the personnel files," said the Captain.  "Failing that, we should start a detailed search of the ship.  If we gather enough reports and personal items we might be able to make some sense of all this."

Seven considered for a moment.  "Agreed," she said finally.  "Recruit others to assist you as necessary."

With that, she ended the meeting and they all dispersed.

*    *    *

"Okay, try accessing it."

The Captain frowned as the computer beeped at her, indicating failure.  She leaned down to look at Chakotay laying on his back under the Ops console.  "Nothing.  Try the next processor relay."

"Try it now."

She growled in frustration as the computer refused to respond.  "This is hopeless," she sighed, glancing down at him as he pushed himself up.  "We've tried bypassing every system, every processor, and still nothing."

"Maybe we should forget this until somebody figures out what's wrong with the computer."

Crewman Celes tentatively approached the pair as they were working.  "Excuse me…are you Kathryn?"

The Captain looked up in surprise.  "Yes."

"They said I should come talk to you.  That little girl in the mess hall, she's staying with you?"

"That's right."

"Well, when I chose quarters last night I was so tired that I didn't look around very much, but this morning when I got up I realized that I probably should, because there could be personal items or something that would tell us whose quarters they were, or anything about us since we haven't been able to -- "

The Captain stopped her excited rambling with a raised hand.  "Did you find something?"

"Yes.  I saw the girl in the kitchen this morning, and since they said she's staying with you, I thought you might want to see this. "

She passed the Captain a holo-image.  As soon as she saw it, Janeway sat up straight and her eyes widened.

"What is it?" asked Chakotay, pulling himself off the floor.

Her lips parted slightly, but she made no reply other than to slowly turn the image around to face him.  It was a photo of Samantha and Naomi Wildman.  Naomi was younger, but she hadn't changed much.  She had her arms around her Flotter doll, and Samantha had her arms around Naomi, her chin resting lightly on her shoulder.

"Do you recognize her?" asked the Captain, referring to Samantha.

Chakotay considered for a moment.  "I think she was in the science lab yesterday.  We could try there first."

The Captain took the photo back.  "Not yet.  I have a promise to keep."

Naomi in tow, they followed Celes to her quarters.  The young girl clutched the Captain's hand tightly as they entered the room.

"Does it look familiar?" asked Janeway, looking around.

Naomi shook her head nervously, squeezing her hand tighter.  The Captain noticed immediately something that was different from her quarters -- it looked like a child lived there.  There was the occasional doll, or toy, or drawing that didn't look like they belonged in the quarters of someone who lived alone. 

Chakotay had begun walking around the room, and something on the wall drew his eye.  "Kathryn?"

She and Naomi walked over to where he was looking at a drawing on the wall.  It looked like it might be some kind of portrait, with stick figures drawn in crayon, obviously by a child. Each of the three figures had names written above them.

Naomi walked closer to the drawing, finally relinquishing her hold on the Captain's hand.  "Is that mine?"

"Looks like it," said the Captain absentmindedly as she examined the drawing.  The drawing was crude, but she thought it could be made out.  The person on the right appeared to be a woman with a pile of yellow on her head that must be hair.  She appeared to be wearing blue, and had the word "Mommy" scrawled above her in a childish hand.

"The woman in the science lab wore a blue uniform," said Chakotay quietly over her shoulder.  She nodded.

The figure drawn to the left of the woman was obviously a child, drawn with similar blond hair and wearing a dress.  She appeared to be holding something, but it couldn't be identified as anything more than a blue blob.  "Me" was written above the caricature, revealing no information about her young companion's name.

There was somebody else drawn to the left of the little girl.  His clothes were a mesh of brightly colored crayon, with the word "Neelix" written above him.

"Is that my father?" asked Naomi.

"I don't think so," said Chakotay.  "If he were, I doubt it would say his name.  Maybe he's your uncle or something."

The Captain reached up and removed the drawing from the wall to turn it over.

"Naomi, age 3, stardate 52647," she said softly, reading the flowing handwriting in the bottom corner of the paper.  She turned to her young companion.  "Naomi," she repeated.  "Does that sound familiar?"

She shook her head.  "Is that my name?"

"It might be.  There aren't any other children on board, so this is probably your family."

Naomi turned around to Celes and held her hand out for the photo of her and Samantha.  Her hand shook as she examined it.  "You really think this is my…my mom?" she whispered.  She looked up at them with tears in her eyes.  

The Captain looked at Chakotay and then back at Naomi, then nodded slowly.

Chakotay reached out and took her by the hand.  "Come on.  Let's go see if she's in the science lab."

Her eyes widened and she froze in her tracks.  She glanced at the Captain, who smiled reassuringly and took Naomi's other hand.

With Naomi in between them, Chakotay and the Captain left the quarters and headed down the hall towards the science lab.

*    *    *

It took them nearly a half an hour to track down Ensign Wildman.  They checked the science lab, the mess hall, the bridge, and engineering before someone recognized the holo-image and said that she had been recruited to help out in Sickbay until they restored the interactive matrix in the computer.

Naomi was still holding their hands when they reached Sickbay, but she had relaxed her grip a little.  The color drained from her face, though, when she saw Samantha from across the room.

Janeway inclined her head in Sam's direction, and Chakotay nodded and went over to give her some idea of the shock she was about to get while the Captain and Naomi went to the Doctor's office to wait.  The Captain sat in the chair behind the desk, and Naomi climbed up on her lap, still squeezing her hand.  She ran her fingers through Naomi's hair to reassure her.

"Do you think she's nice?" asked Naomi thoughtfully.

"I'm sure she is."

"Do…you think she'll be glad to see me?"

The Captain paused.  In the main part of Sickbay, she could see Chakotay and Samantha Wildman in deep conversation.  She looked back at Naomi.  "I think she might be…a little surprised at first.  She probably hasn't even considered the possibility that she has a daughter."  Seeing the crushed expression on Naomi's face she added, "She'll probably just need a little time to get used to the idea."

Chakotay and Samantha began making their way towards the office, and Naomi tensed up and climbed off the Captain's lap, although she still held her hand tightly.

The Captain searched Chakotay's face for some idea of what to expect from the meeting.  His expression was noncommittal, and he merely raised an eyebrow.

"Hello," said Samantha, folding her hands in front of her.

"Hi," said Naomi cautiously.

Samantha opened her mouth and then closed it again, unable to think of something to say.

Naomi managed a small smile and fingered the protrusions on her forehead.  "I guess I didn't get these from you," she said.

The tension was visibly relieved.  "I guess not," chuckled Samantha.

"She has your eyes," said the Captain softly, examining the other woman's features.

Startled, Samantha glanced at her before looking back at Naomi.  A small smile slowly spread across her face.  "Yes.  She does.  You're a very beautiful girl, Naomi."

Naomi beamed at her mother's acceptance and praise.

"I'm trying to learn how to use some of the medical equipment in case anybody is injured," continued Samantha.  "I could use another pair of hands."

Her eyes lit up and she nodded enthusiastically.  She started to follow Samantha out of the office, but turned back towards the Captain.

"Thank you."

Janeway smiled broadly.  "You're welcome, Naomi.  Come and find me if you need anything."

"I will."  With that, she eagerly followed Samantha across Sickbay.

The Captain watched her in silence for a few minutes before she cleared her throat and turned back to Chakotay.

"Should we return to cursing the processor relays?"

He smiled.  "Well, if you insist…but maybe it's time for us to try another approach."

"You want to start a search of all the quarters?"

He nodded.

She sighed.  "That will take days, if not weeks."

"Not if we get some help.  Why don't we go up to the common area and see if we can find some volunteers."

*    *    *

In a corner of the mess hall, the Captain addressed the twenty volunteers they had recruited for the search of the ship.

"We'll pair up into teams of two, and each pair will take a deck," she explained, distributing PADDs to the gathered officers.  "Chakotay and I will cover the remaining decks with no living quarters."

"What exactly do you want us to do?" asked Ensign Culhane.

"Photos and data storage devices," she said, holding up a PADD,  "Will be your key objectives.  Finding pictures should tell us who the quarters belong to, and any reports lying around may give us some indication of who we are, or shed some light on the command structure."

Ensign Jenkins shifted uncomfortably on her feet.  "I'm not sure I feel right about snooping through somebody else's belongings."

"Me neither," added Ensign McCormick.  "I wouldn't want somebody rifling through my personal things."

"If we do this, maybe you'll actually know where your personal things are," smirked Crewman Henley.

"I think the situation warrants a little violation of privacy," added Lieutenant Ayala.

The Captain held up her hand.  "Let's not go too far here.  I think you've raised a valid point," she said to Jenkins.  "Your inspection of the quarters doesn't have to be more than superficial.  It's likely that any images or files that could help us are out in the open, so there's no need to go rifling through every drawer and checking under the beds.  Be thorough, but not intrusive."  She gave them a lopsided grin.  "I'm sure when we get our memories back, we're all going to be a little upset that someone was going through our quarters, so let's not be too disruptive.  Try to leave things as you find them."

The group seemed satisfied, and many of them smiled at her attempted humor.

She nodded.  "All right, let's get to it.  You have your assigned decks and designations. Make a record of everything you find that might be relevant.  If you find something that can't wait, hail us.  Otherwise, report back here at 1900 hours."

"What if we aren't finished by 1900 hours?" asked Crewman Larson.

"Well, I assume you'll want to eat, so come back here anyways and give us a status report over dinner."

The group chuckled.

"When Chakotay and I are finished, we'll make a circuit of the ship and see how you're doing.  Dismissed."

The group moved off, and Chakotay moved over to the Captain, PADD in hand.  "You handled that well."

She took the PADD from him and looked up.  "Handled what well?"

"Getting everyone organized and resolving their disputes.  You're a natural leader."

"I just did what anyone would have done."

He raised an eyebrow but didn't argue with her.

*    *    *

Chakotay stopped in the middle of their turn around cargo bay 2 and turned back towards the regeneration alcoves.  He frowned, examining the sharp contrast of the alien technology with the rest of the cargo bay.

The Captain noticed that he was no longer following her, and she moved over to stand beside him.  She followed his gaze to the regeneration alcoves then looked up at him.  "What is it?"

He answered without taking his eyes off the far wall.  "They look out of place, don't they."

She looked back at the alcoves.  "They're unlike anything in the rest of the ship," she agreed.

Deep in concentration, he didn't answer.  He eventually tore his eyes away from the alcoves and looked around the cargo bay.  He was suddenly able to picture it in his mind, but it was a far cry from the room he was standing in now.  It appeared dark, lit only with a dull green glow.  Shafts of light broke through the almost menacing haze that hung in the air, and he could hear an electrical crackling noise in the distance.  Alien technology was everywhere, and there were people walking around with strange, almost robotic motions, and they appeared to be part machine.

"Chakotay?  What is it?"

Startled out of his reverie, he looked over at the Captain and saw her looking at him with concern, her hand on his shoulder.

"This place…I could see it, but it was different."

"Different? How?"

He gave her a brief description of what he had seen.

She stepped in front of him excitedly, her hand still on his arm.  "Can you remember anything else?"

"No.  It's gone now."

She sighed, then looked over her shoulder at the cargo bay before returning to him.  "I guess that's a good sign.  Maybe our memories are returning."

_Survey team beta to team leaders, came Ensign Jenkins' voice over the comm._

"Go ahead," said the Captain, tapping her commbadge.

_Is Chakotay with you?_

"Yes."

_We've got something here he might want to see._

"What's your location?"

_Deck three, section twelve._

She and Chakotay started for the door.  "We're on our way."

*    *    *

They entered the quarters on deck three and saw Crewman Larson sitting at a desk, scanning a pile of PADDs.  Ensign Jenkins was reading over his shoulder, and looked up when the Captain and Chakotay walked in.

"What have you found?" asked the Captain.

Jenkins picked up a piece of stone sitting next to the pile of PADDs and stepped around the desk as they approached.  "I found this on the dresser."

Chakotay reached out and took it from her, holding it so the Captain could see it as well.  The stone was of an orange hue, and it had designs and patterns carved on the surface.  The one that quickly drew their eyes was tucked far away in the corner -- it was the same design as Chakotay's tattoo.

"I didn't recognize it at first," continued Jenkins, tilting her head to get a better view of the side of Chakotay's face.  "But it looks like I was right."

The Captain nodded and looked up over her shoulder, examining his tattoo herself.  "It's the same design."  She looked back at the stone and reached out to run her fingers over carved lines.  After tracing the outline of the tattoo on the stone, she withdrew her hand and stepped away to look around the room.

"These must be your quarters," she said, looking around.

Crewman Larson finished his examination of the reports and stood up.  "I'm afraid there's nothing here that will help us," he said, moving over to join them.  "They're pretty dry for the most part -- just personnel evaluations and status reports.  Over half of them are marked for the attention of Commander Chakotay."

The Captain looked back over her shoulder as a smile spread across her face.  "See?  I told you I was right."

Larson and Jenkins excused themselves to finish surveying the rest of the deck, and the Captain followed Chakotay into the bedroom.

"There aren't any photos," she said, surveying the room.  She picked up a wood carving that was sitting on a nearby shelf.  "Lots of knick knacks, though."

"I must like the outdoors," he muttered, picking up another rock that had carvings in it.

The Captain noticed a bundle on the floor next to the dresser.  She picked it up, unrolled it on the bed and sat next to it.  It was a piece of white fur with a few items inside, resting on a brown piece of leathery animal skin.

Chakotay came over and sat on the bed on the other side of the bundle.

"What do you think it is?" she asked, picking up the stone sitting in the middle of the piece of fur.  She passed him the stone, and he turned it over in his hand.

"It's smooth," he said.

The Captain picked up the akoonah.  "I wonder what this is."

"For meditating."  He hadn't thought before speaking, and they looked up at each other in surprise.

"How…"

He answered her question with a shake of his head before she finished getting the words out of her mouth.  "I don't know how I remembered that."

"Do you remember using it?"

"No, I just know what it's for."  He looked up at her with a grin.  "Kind of like chicken.  You remember what it tastes like but you don't remember ever having eaten it."

She chuckled and picked up the blackbird wing.  "It's a pity you can't tell me the story behind this," she said with a raised eyebrow.

He smiled and they continued looking around his quarters.

*    *    *

"The recipe I found called it angla-bosque," said Neelix as he scooped food onto plates for the Captain and Chakotay.

"It smells…interesting," said Chakotay.

Neelix seemed to take it as a complement and was about to start listing off the spices he had added but was preempted when they grabbed their plates and left, the Captain looking down to hide her grin.

They moved towards the table where their survey teams were gathered and took seats at the head of the long table.

"Are there any teams who didn't get through their assigned deck?" she asked as she sat down.  Nobody spoke up, and she smiled.  "Good work.  Alpha team?  Anything on deck two?"

"We managed to assign four of the quarters using photos we found."

"Nothing that would shed light on our mission?"

"No, ma'am."

She nodded.  "Beta team?  Did you find anything after we left?"

"Nothing substantial.  We assigned a total of thirteen quarters on the entire deck."  

"Well done.  Gamma team?"

Ensign Culhane grinned proudly.  "Yes, ma'am.  We assigned six quarters…and we found these."  He had a small stack of three PADDs in his hands, and he passed them down the table.   "They're letters from home."

The Captain's eyes widened and her head shot up before she even started to read the PADD.  "From…home?"

"Yes, ma'am.  One for Lieutenant Tom Paris, one for Lieutenant Joe Carey, and one for Ensign Amanda Harper."

"Letters?  That's rather personal."

Culhane nodded.  "That was my reaction.  I wouldn't have read any more of Lieutenant Paris' after I realized what it was, but something caught my attention.  I read the other two to confirm it."

Lieutenant Hargrove, Culhane's partner, spoke up.  "I know it seems like a violation of their privacy, ma'am, but we think it's important that you read them."

She nodded and put them aside.  "All right.  Delta team?"

None of the other teams had found anything substantial, and when they had heard all the teams reports and gathered their written data, Chakotay followed the Captain out the mess hall doors and down the corridor.

"I guess we should have a look at these," she said, examining the survey reports in her hands.

"We've got all evening.  What do you say we relax for a while first.  Take our minds off all this."

Before she had a chance to answer, they were interrupted over the comm.

_All members of the command collective, report to deck one immediately for briefing._

Chakotay sighed as they turned around and headed back towards the turbolift.  "I guess it'll have to wait."

The Captain rolled her eyes.  "'The command collective?'  Remind me who put that woman in charge."

He chuckled as they entered a turbolift and took it to the bridge.  When they arrived in the conference room, Seven, Tuvok, Tom, and Ensign Sharr were already there.  When Harry and the remaining three engineers arrived, Seven started with them.

"Have you made any progress restoring the interactive matrix?"

"No," said Ashmore.  "We've been able to find some of the subroutines, but we haven't even come close to reactivating it."

"But we do know what it is," said B'Elanna.  "It's not just an interactive database -- it's a hologram."

"A hologram?" said Ensign Sharr.

"We discovered holographic projectors in Sickbay," explained Ashmore.  "They're linked directly to the interactive program."

"And," said B'Elanna, "We found this."  She held up the EMH's mobile emitter.

"What is it?" asked Tuvok.

"It's some kind of portable holographic projector."

Harry leaned forward.  "If we're right and that program in the Sickbay computer is a holographic doctor, this would allow it to go anywhere on the ship."

"But you have not succeeded in activating this hologram?" asked Seven.

"No," admitted B'Elanna.  "There's just not enough power in the computer right now without those bio-neural gelpacks.  It can't handle a program of that size."

"There are a few isolinear circuits," said Harry, "But they're only enough for us to examine some of the subroutines."

"It's a paradox," said the Captain.  "We can't activate the program without the gelpacks, and we can't fix the gelpacks without the program."

"Exactly," said B'Elanna.

"If activating this hologram is a paradox," said Seven, "Then it is futile to attempt it.  We should concentrate our efforts somewhere else."

"I don't think it's futile yet," said Harry.  "We made a lot of progress today.  We should know more about it by tomorrow."

"Very well.  Four and Five of Eight, have you uncovered anything in your survey of this vessel?"

"We've managed to assign over a third of the quarters based on photos our teams found.  From all the reports they found laying around, I think we should be able to construct a rough guess of the command structure.  It looks like all the reports for ship security eventually get to a Lieutenant Commander Tuvok.  That could very well be you," she told the Vulcan.  "All the ones for Engineering go to a Lieutenant Torres.  And the Captain's name is Janeway." 

"Now all we need to do is put faces to those names," said Harry.

"Our team on deck four found some personal letters they said contain some information about where we're from.  We haven't had a chance to go over them yet."

Seven nodded, satisfied.  "We have used the limited isolinear circuitry to completely restore this vessel's defenses."

"Our next priority should be restoring the main computer processor," said B'Elanna.  "I think our best chance of that is still the hologram in Sickbay."

"Agreed.  We will reconvene at 0800 hours tomorrow and decide the most efficient way to proceed."

*   *   *

Entering her quarters, the Captain sat down on the couch and Chakotay joined her.  

"All right, she said, rifling through the stack of PADDs.  "Let's have a look at those letters they found on deck four."  She found the three she was looking for.  She looked at the one on the top.  "This is for…Lieutenant Tom Paris.  Shall we?"

"By all means."

She looked back at the PADD and after a deep breath, began to read.  "Tom, it was so good to hear from you.  I wish you would send us a letter in every datastream, although between your duties, B'Elanna, and playing with your little holo-programs it's no wonder you don't get the time.  Can't you even manage to write something once a month for old times' sake?"

"It sounds like we're not in constant contact with home."

She nodded and continued reading.  "You never were good at writing letters, even in prison when you had all the time in the world."  She raised an eyebrow but kept going.  "We hear about you from Dad a lot, but it's different hearing from you myself -- you never were very talkative in your letters to Dad, and you know how he is when you want information from him.  Since he's my only source, you can imagine how little I know about what your life on Voyager is really like.  I'd love to hear more about B'Elanna -- she sounds wonderful, and I'm glad to hear you two are so serious about each other.  Dad mentioned that they're working on a way to establish a real-time communication link.  I had better be one of the first people you call, Tom, or you're going to regret it when you get home.  Jenny and I will gang up on you if we have to, just like when we were kids.  And I know Mom will never speak to you again if she's not near the top of your list.  For your crew's sake, and their families, I hope it works.  Dad seems about as optimistic as he ever gets.   He'd never admit it, but I know he misses you a lot."  She looked up.  "This seems quite personal."

"They seemed to think there was some important information in here.  Keep going."

The Captain raised her eyebrows but returned to the letter.  "It seems like you two are getting along better.  I'm glad for both of you…it's too bad this is what it took to bring you two closer.  I know you wanted to get as far away from him as possible, but I'm sure…"  Her voice faltered as she read the next few words.

"What is it?"

She took a deep breath and continued.  "But I'm sure being thrown halfway across the galaxy…wasn't what you had in mind."  Her voice broke again and she had to take a moment before she could continue.  "It's obvious how proud of you Dad is.  You should have seen his face when he read one of the Captain's letters telling him that without you they would never have been able to get the ship 30,000 light years closer to home in such a short time."  She reread the paragraph to herself before she looked up.

Neither of them said a word, and she slowly set the PADD down on the table in front of her.  

"Thrown halfway across the galaxy," she whispered, her hand over her mouth.

"That would explain why we didn't detect any ships that matched our hull configuration."

"And why no one has tried to contact us.  If we were in our home territory, somebody would have noticed us missing."

He reached for the other two PADDs next to him on the couch.  "Do you want to read the others?"

She continued staring blankly ahead in silence.

"Kathryn?"

Startled, she turned towards him.  "Hm?"

"Do you want to read the other letters?"

She reached her hand out, and he handed Joe Carey's letter to her.  She read it in silence, then set it down and looked at him.

He raised his eyebrows in question.

"It's the same," she said quietly.  "They talk about him being far from home, they miss him, they wish he could see his children."

"I wonder how long we've been away from home?"

She didn't answer him and reached for Ensign Harper's letter.  When she was about halfway through it, she frowned.

"What is it?"

"They mention…everyone thought we were dead."  She looked up.  "And the other letter said we were _thrown halfway across the galaxy.  Obviously exploring this part of space wasn't something we planned."_

He nodded, and watched her as she rose from the couch and walked over to the window.  She stared out at the unfamiliar stars that greeted her, wondering for the first time if they had always been unfamiliar to her.

"We're alone," she said finally, in so quiet a voice that he had to strain to hear her.  She turned to face him.  "I thought maybe we could find our home planet, or another ship like us who would be able to tell us who we are and help us find out what happened to us, but…we're alone."

"We're not alone.  We have each other."

The barest hint of a smile pulled at her lips.  "Each other…do you mean the crew, or us?"

"Both."

Her smile deepened, and she returned to join him on the couch.

"You never told me about your dreams."

He looked at her in surprise.

"I could tell you were hiding something at the meeting this morning.  You did remember your dreams, didn't you."

He nodded.  "I wouldn't have felt right sharing them."

"Oh."

He immediately realized that she had misunderstood.  "With the others.  Not with you."

"Why?"

"Because you were in them."

"Me?"

He nodded.

She smiled and edged closer to him on the couch, resting her elbow on the back of the couch.  "Tell me."

"There were two after we spoke last night.  The first one was strange."

"How?"

"We were traveling through space, but there was nothing in it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean it was just empty space.  No nebulas, no stars, no planets.  The crew was restless.  Unhappy."

"The crew?  You remember them?"

"No.  Just you.  You were…"  He frowned.  "I don't know how to describe it.  Not depressed, exactly.  You blamed yourself."

Her lips parted.  She had a sinking feeling what he was referring to.  "My dream," she whispered.  "I was responsible.  That woman was angry with me, she blamed me."

"I was worried about you, but you wouldn't listen to me.  You wanted to…"  He sighed.  "I don't remember now…but I was terrified I was going to lose you."

"What was the other dream?" she asked quietly.

He looked at her face, then reached over to brush a strand of hair behind her ear.  "We were alone somewhere.  You had…longer hair."

"Like in that picture we found?"

"No…it was loose.  It fell all the way down your back."

He slid closer to her and gently turned her around so her back was facing him.  He ran his fingers through her hair, then gathered it up and pushed it over her shoulder.  Some of it fell back, but he didn't notice.  Gently at first, then with more firmness, he began to massage her shoulders.  She closed her eyes and gasped softly.

Realizing what he was doing, he quickly removed his hands.

She turned to face him.  "What?"

"I'm sorry.  I wasn't thinking.  I shouldn't have done that."

"Why not?  You're quite good at it."

"It was inappropriate.  We don't know each other."  

She smiled.  "That doesn't matter.  I would trust you with my life."

"You…you mean that."  It was a statement, not a question.  He knew she was serious.  "I feel the same way."  He reached over and gently laid his hand on the side of her arm.

She gasped sharply and jumped back, staring at his hand with her mouth hanging open.  It took her a few seconds to realize that Chakotay was calling her name.

"Kathryn?  What is it?"

She couldn't tear her eyes away from his hand.  "That…felt familiar.  Our touching."  She finally looked up at him.  "It's the first thing that has."

He looked at her in puzzlement.  

"You didn't feel it?"

He shook his head.  She slid closer to him and slowly reached her hand out, laying it gently on his chest.  She looked at her hand for a few seconds before lifting her eyes to his face.  She watched his expression change as he looked at her hand.

Slowly, deliberately, he reached down and lifted her hand off his chest.  He held her hand in his for a moment before he slowly brought the palms of their hands together and intertwined his fingers with hers.  She gasped, staring at their hands locked together.  She looked up at him.

"We've done this before."

"This was in my dream," he said quietly.

She leaned towards him, placing her lips inches from his ear.  "What else did we do in your dream?"

He turned his head, searching her eyes.  "I don't remember."

He reached over and put his hand lightly under her chin, lifting it up and pulling her closer.  She closed her eyes slowly and put her hand on the back of his head as he kissed her tenderly.  He began to pull away, but she tightened her grip on the back of his head and pulled him back to her.  That kiss was followed by another, then another, until one was indistinguishable from the next.  

She moaned softly in the back of her throat as his hands moved to her uniform jacket.  She removed her hands from his head long enough to get her jacket off, then started working on his.  As she started to open the front of his uniform, he grabbed her hands and pulled away from her, chest heaving.

She looked at him with a question in her eyes, wondering why he had pulled away.

His eyes asked their own question, searching her face.  She knew instantly what he was thinking and marveled at how easily she could read someone else's thoughts when she was barely able to predict her own.

She stood up and stepped past him away from the couch.  His face fell, thinking she had reconsidered, but when he saw her hand outstretched in front of his face he turned around to look at her.

She was standing next to him, holding out her hand with a beguiling smile on her face.  "I'm sure."

Cautiously, he reached out and took her hand, and she slowly backed in the direction of the bedroom, pulling him closer to her.  She slipped her hands inside his uniform jacket and pushed it off his shoulders.  They were locked together now, still moving towards the bedroom.  He leaned down to kiss the base of her neck gently.

"This could be a huge mistake," he mumbled, his voice muffled by her neck.  "We don't know who we are."

She put her mouth next to his ear and whispered.  "I know you."

In the tumult of what followed, one small detail stood out from everything else in her mind.  He had whispered "Kathryn" repeatedly in her ear.

She knew it was the most wonderful thing she had ever heard.


	3. Consequences

DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill - Paramount is God.  All hail Paramount.  They own everything in the Star Trek Universe - I'm just using my overactive imagination to take their characters where they refuse to go.  All in the name of fun, not profit (I wish).

COURTING DISASTER

CHAPTER THREE: CONSEQUENCES

Chakotay slowly took a long breath, pulling air deep into his lungs.  He looked around groggily, then his eyes fell on the chronometer.  0427.  He frowned, wondering why he had woken up so early.

Movement next to him in the bed drew his attention and he looked over at Kathryn.  Her eyes were closed, but her head was turning back and forth and her entire body jumped every once in a while.  She must be dreaming, he realized.  She let out a small muffled cry, followed by another, and her head jerked violently.

Unsure whether it would be better to wake her up or let her dream, he decided after a moment to let her be for now and merely moved closer to her, taking her hand.

Her breathing became more erratic, and she finally snapped awake with a gasp, her entire body trembling.

He put his hands on either side of her face, turning her to look at him.  "Kathryn."

Her chest was still heaving, and she didn't seem to hear him.

"Kathryn," he repeated, forcing her to look at him.  It was imperative that she try to remember what she could as soon as possible.  

She finally seemed aware of him.  "Chakotay."

"Tell me what you remember."

Finally able to understand him, her eyes darted back and forth as she tried to recall her dream.  "The Borg," she blurted.  "Seven, Axum, they were in trouble.  We had to go after them and…and…"  She paused and frowned, the closed her eyes with a sigh as it faded from her grasp.  "It's gone."

He removed his hands from her face and let them rest on her bare shoulders.  "It's okay."

They sat in silence until she shuddered involuntarily.  "God, Chakotay, it was horrible.  I was…taken prisoner somewhere.  There were people all around me--"

"From the crew?"

"No.  They weren't like the people on the ship.  They had pale skin.  They were inhuman...they were part machine."  Her eyes widened, recognizing her description.  "The people you said you saw in the cargo bay."

"The Borg."

"What?"

"That's what you called them just now.  The Borg."

She frowned.  "I…don't remember now.  They did something to me."  She lifted up her hand, turning it over.  "They…" Her voice dropped to a whisper and she lifted her hand to the side of her head.  "They made me like them.  I had some kind of mechanical implants put in me.  It was excruciating."

He slid his hands from his shoulders around her back and pulled her closer.  She buried her head in his shoulder and let out the sob she had been holding in.

"Hold me," she whispered.

He nodded silently, and held her close to his body until they both found the peaceful embrace of sleep.

*    *    *

Kathryn smiled as she opened her eyes and saw Chakotay lying on his side looking at her.  He reached over to brush a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"Good morning," she said with a cat-like stretch that he observed with admiration.

He smiled.  "Good morning."  His expression changed and he looked at her with concern.  "Did you have any more nightmares?"

"No.  You?"

"No...but I did have this fantastic dream."

"Oh?" She slid closer to him, draping one arm over his chest.  She reached up with her other hand to trace the contours of his tattoo with one of her fingers.

"It was about this incredible woman."

She smiled invitingly.

"She had beautiful reddish brown hair, with striking blue eyes."  He placed his fingers on her chin, then ran them slowly down her neck and past her collarbone.  "And the most incredible creamy pale skin."

She gasped as his fingers moved lower, down between her breasts.  When they reached her waist, she reached under the sheet and grabbed his hand, stopping its progression.

"We have a meeting in forty five minutes," she said, trying to contain the tremor in her voice.

He closed his eyes and sighed, then leaned over to lightly kiss her below her ear.  "Do we have to?"

She ran her fingers lightly through his hair, then lifted his head away from her.  "I think we both need a shower."

He nodded in resignation and rolled onto his back.  "I could certainly use a cold shower, but you can go first."

"First?"  She slid closer to him, her body pressed against his, and slid her foot invitingly up and down his leg under the blankets.  "I have no intention of either of us going first, Chakotay."

He looked at her in confusion, so she leaned even closer, bringing her face so close to his that he could feel her breath on his cheek.  "There's plenty of room.  And before we leave for that meeting, we're _both going to need a cold shower."_

She smiled invitingly and slid away from him, wrapping the sheet around her and pulling it along as she climbed out of bed and moved towards the bathroom.

Still in shock, he sat in bed with his mouth hanging open as she turned at the door. 

"Are you coming or not?"

A grin finally spread across his face, and he jumped out of bed, running towards her as she ducked him with a squeal.  He pinned her against the wall easily, silencing her laughing with his lips.  She immediately stopped protesting, and the sheet she had wrapped around her dropped to the ground as they gradually made their way into the bathroom.

*    *    *

When they entered the conference room, the first thing they noticed was B'Elanna, Harry, Vorik, and Ensign Ashmore talking in hushed, excited tones at the far end of the table.  B'Elanna seemed to be doing most of the talking, while the others were nodding excitedly and giving the occasional comment.

B'Elanna spoke up as soon as everyone was seated, not even giving Seven a chance to begin the meeting.  "I think we've got it."

Seven raised an eyebrow.  "'Got' what?"

"A way to get the main computer working."

"Elaborate."

B'Elanna rose from her chair and began walking around the table.  "We've all been experiencing dreams."  She turned to the Captain and Chakotay.  "And you said that while you were dreaming you were able to remember who you are."

"That's right," said the Captain.

"If we induced a similar state in the computer processor, it's possible that the bio-neural components would be able to work again."

"How would you do that?" asked Chakotay.

"When we dream, a part of our brain disconnected from our conscious mind becomes active, processing memories and experiences," said Harry.

"Theoretically, disconnecting the gelpacks from the main computer core and just letting them randomly process information could mimic dreaming," said B'Elanna.

"But I thought the point of all this was to _access the computer core," said Tom.  "If we disconnect the gelpacks, we won't be able to get to the computer database."_

"That's true," said B'Elanna, still circling the table.  "But we'll be able to use the processors."

"We're not going to be able to access the database anyways until we determine what's wrong with the gelpacks," said Ensign Ashmore.  "This way, at least we'll be able to use the processors to get the remaining primary systems up and running."

"The computer would be like us," said Ensign Sharr, nodding.  "Able to function but not able to remember."

"Exactly," said B'Elanna, "And we should have enough capacity to run the hologram in Sickbay."

"Who should be able to assist us in determining what is wrong with the biological component of the computer," said Vorik.

"Not to mention what's wrong with us," said Harry.

"I know we wanted to access the personnel files and other information," continued B'Elanna. "But I think this the only option we've got left."

Seven considered for a moment.  "Agreed.  Proceed with your plan."

"If this works, I think we should get the food replicators back on line," said Tom.  "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not sure I want to trust that furball in the kitchen to keep coming up with edible food."

"I do not believe that should be a priority," said Seven.

"It wouldn't take that many people," said Ensign Sharr.

"We should concentrate our efforts on more relevant areas," said Seven dismissively.

The Captain had had enough.  She leaned forward with her elbows on the table.  "Look.  There are 144 people on this ship, most of whom are just sitting around waiting for something to do.  What's the harm in them taking a handful of people and trying to get the replicators up and running?"

Seven glared at her.  "It would be an inefficient use of our resources."

"Our resources?  There are more than enough _resources to go around."_

"I do not agree with their proposal."

"_You don't agree?"  She crossed her arms.  "Until we find out who's really in command of this ship, I don't think you or anyone should have the final say.  We should be making decisions as a group."_

"You do not believe that I am the commanding officer of this vessel?"

The Captain threw her hands up.  "I don't know.  You don't know.  Nobody does."  

Seven's eyes narrowed.  "You believe you should be in command?"

"No."  She looked around the table.  "It might be any one of us, or none of us.  The Captain may not even be in this room.  For all we know, she was down on deck 15 when this happened!"

"In the absence of consensus, a group requires leadership," said Tuvok.  "As unanimous decisions seem unlikely, it is only logical for one of us to remain in command until the true nature of our positions is uncovered."

The Captain looked around the table.  She could see that most of the others were with her, but she realized they shouldn't waste time bickering about who was in charge.

"Fine," she said, opting for a graceful retreat.

Chakotay stepped in to fill the awkward silence that followed.  "We uncovered something rather disturbing in the letters from home we mentioned yesterday."

"Disturbing?" said Tom.  "How?"

"The letters made reference to our being stranded far from home."

Harry frowned.  "How far?"

Chakotay sighed.  "The exact phrase was 'halfway across the galaxy.'"

"That would explain why there have been no attempts to communicate with us," said Tuvok.

"Our thoughts exactly."

The Captain spoke up.  "We thought we'd have a closer look at the astronomical lab on deck eight.  It might have some clues as to where we're from or if there's any way to contact our home planet."

"We asked some of the crew to familiarize themselves with the ship," continued Chakotay, "And we've found two people who said they know how to use the systems in the lab.  They've offered to help us."

"Proceed," said Seven, eyeing the Captain warily after the recent challenge of her authority.  She turned to B'Elanna.  "Keep me…"  She looked at the Captain again.  "Keep us informed of your progress with the computer processor and the Sickbay hologram.  Dismissed."

*    *    *

The Captain looked over Icheb's shoulder as he worked in astrometrics.  "Any luck?"

He shook his head.  "I've been unsuccessful in retrieving the navigational logs.  It may be impossible without the main computer functioning."

"Keep trying."

Crewman Celes called her over from the other side of the room.

"What have you found?"

Celes pointed at the screen she was working on.  "I've been able to get a look at the communication logs.  I can't access any of the transmissions themselves, but I did find something interesting."  She hit a few commands and a list of transmissions scrolled across the screen.  "Do you see this one here?  And here?  And another one here."

The Captain leaned forward.  "There's a huge amount of compressed data."

"And they're all exactly thirty days apart."

"When was the last one?"

Celes looked back at the screen.  "Looks like…two weeks ago."

"Can you tell me the exact date?"

"Yes ma'am…stardate 54043."

"That's almost exactly the date on the letters from home we found.  And one of them mentioned writing once a month."

"Well, if nothing else, we can wait two weeks and send them a message telling them what's happened to us."

The Captain nodded.  "Good work.  Keep trying to dig out those transmissions."

Leaving Celes to her work, she walked over to join Chakotay at the console in front of the viewscreen.  She worked beside him in silence before she glanced up at him.

"You've been awfully quiet.  Something on your mind?"

He looked up at her then back down at his console.

"Having second thoughts about last night?"

He looked up at her again, and his expression of surprise told her that she had either guessed exactly right or was completely off the mark.  The knot that was slowly growing in the pit of her stomach disappeared when he shook his head.  

"Not at all."  He checked over his shoulders to make sure that Icheb and Celes were both occupied with their work before he turned back to her.  "And don't you mean last night and this morning?"

She blushed and smiled knowingly to herself, but his expression quickly turned serious.

"I've been thinking about something you said at the meeting this morning."

Her face fell and she continued working.  "You think I was out of place."

"No."  He paused.  "You said the Captain might have been elsewhere on the ship when we lost our memories."

She looked up at him.  "Well, doesn't that make sense?  We might have been just the night shift.  She could have been anywhere."

He raised an eyebrow.  "You did it again."

She frowned in confusion.  "What?"

He looked over his shoulder again then back at her, leaning closer and lowering his voice.  "She.  That's the second time I've heard you refer to the Captain as a woman."

Taken aback, she stared at him in surprise and there was a short silence before she answered.  "I wasn't even thinking.  It's probably just a slip of the tongue."

"I don't agree.  When I heard you say it the first time, I knew you were right.  The Captain of this ship is a woman."

She frowned as an implication of that hit home.  She turned back to the console.  "You think she's the Captain, don't you."

"No," he said, surprised.  "I think you are."

Her fingers froze on the console and it was a few seconds before she slowly raised her head to look at him.  "You're not serious."

"I'm very serious."

"What in the world would make you think that?"

"The markings on your collar, for one.  Nobody else has more than three, but you have four.  You have all the characteristics of a natural leader.  Your quarters are one of the most spacious we found."

She smiled uneasily and tried to change the subject.  "So that's why you were so eager to stay over last night."

He continued undaunted.  "And at the meeting this morning, it seemed to bother you more than anyone else that she was making all the decisions for us."

She waved him off.  "I just don't think it's right for her, for anyone, to have that kind of authority when we know so little."

"No.  You knew that _she isn't supposed to have that kind of authority.  And I agree with you.  Seeing her sitting at the head of that table doesn't feel right."_

"And seeing me there would?"

His raised eyebrow was answer enough.  Decidedly uncomfortable, her eyes darted back to the console.  "You're just saying that because you think I'll treat you different because of…last night.  And this morning," she said with a smile, trying to again brush his suggestion off.

He would have argued further, but he could see how uneasy the conversation was making her so he remained silent and they continued working.

*    *    *

Celes made a breakthrough after about an hour.  "I think I've got something here."

Janeway and Chakotay joined her.  "What is it?"

"Those monthly transmissions -- it looks like they use the main deflector.  If we check the deflector logs, we might be able to figure out where these transmissions were headed."

Chakotay reached for a PADD and checked the ship schematics.  "Deflector control is on deck 11."

Celes nodded and motioned to Icheb to follow her.  "We'll let you know what we find."

As soon as they were gone, the Captain returned to trying to retrieve the navigational logs.

"I'm sorry if what I said earlier made you uncomfortable."

She continued working without looking up.  "Don't worry about it."

His eyes narrowed.  "It really bothers you, doesn't it.  The thought that you might be Captain."

She paused, staring at the wall thoughtfully before she turned to him.  "I can't even begin to imagine the kind of responsibility that would go along with that.  Everything we've found so far has led us to believe we're alone out here.  I don't envy the person who has to carry that kind of burden."

He reached over and put his hand on top of hers.  "Whoever you are, Kathryn, you're not alone."

She put her other hand on top of his, squeezing it gently.  "Thank you," she whispered.

He leaned forward and kissed her softly on the forehead, running his fingers through her hair.  She put her arms loosely around his neck as he rested his forehead against hers.  They stood like that in silence until they were interrupted by B'Elanna over the comm.

_Sickbay to the senior officers.  __We're going to try activating the hologram._

She took a deep breath and stepped away from him, straightening her uniform jacket with a tug.  She turned for the door, and she could hear him following a few steps behind her.  They entered the turbolift without a word except to give the order for deck five, and they rode motionless and in silence.  When the doors opened, she began to step out, but he reached out and grabbed her hand.  He brought it to his lips and gently kissed the back of her hand.

Her composure melted, and she smiled.  "Let's go," she said quietly, and they headed for Sickbay.

B'Elanna and the others were working at one of the consoles, and glanced up briefly when they entered.

"We're almost ready," she said, stepping around Harry to enter commands on another console.  "We disconnected the processors from the main computer core, so we'll see if our theory was right."

Seven, Tuvok, Tom, and Ensign Sharr entered.  "Report," said Seven.

"We're ready," said B'Elanna, nodding to Harry.

He pressed a button on the console in front of him, and the Doctor appeared a few feet away.

"Please state the nature of the medical emergency." He looked around at the number of people gathered in Sickbay.  "What's going on?"

"We were right," said B'Elanna triumphantly.  "It's a hologram."

He rolled his eyes.  "Very perceptive.  Of course I'm a hologram."

"And quite a sophisticated one," said Harry.  "What's the last thing in your memory banks?"

The Doctor frowned.  "We were just encountering the perimeter of the ion storm.  Several of the crew began experiencing severe headaches, then my matrix began to destabilize.  How long have I been offline?"

They ignored his question in the face of this new information.

"Ion storm," mused Chakotay.  "The residual neurogenic field we detected?"

"An ion storm wouldn't generate a neurogenic field," said Harry.

The Doctor frowned.  "You and Seven detected one."

This only caused more confusion.  "Seven?" said Harry.  "Seven what?"

The Doctor seemed to be just as confused as them.  "Seven of Nine," he said, exasperated.  Seeing the continued blank looks, he became even more frustrated.  "Her," he said, pointing to Seven.  "Seven of Nine."  She stepped backwards and looked at him strangely.

Reaching the end of his patience, the EMH turned to Janeway, still standing partly behind Chakotay.  "Captain, what's going on?"

She glanced over her shoulder, but when she saw there was nobody behind her she realized he was addressing her.  The color drained from her face and she felt her stomach plunge all the way to her feet.  

Chakotay was right.  Somehow, she had known all along that he was right, but until now she hadn't had to admit it.

When the EMH saw the expression on the Captain's face, it finally hit him that something was terribly wrong.  He turned to B'Elanna.  "Lieutenant?"

She seemed just as surprised as the Captain.  "Lieutenant?" she repeated, glancing at Harry beside her.

"Do you have a name?" the Captain asked him.

"A name?"  He looked around at them.  "No, of course I don't.  What's wrong with all of you?"

"We were hoping you could tell us," said Tom.

"I'm sorry?"

"We have no memories prior to regaining consciousness two days ago," clarified the Captain.  "The computer's malfunctioning as well.  We were hoping you could clear some of that up."

"You have no memories at all?"

"We still possess skills to operate this vessel," said Seven, "But we have no memories relevant to our identities."

The Doctor stood in stunned silence for a few moments before he moved over to a shelf and picked up a medical tricorder.  Ensign Ashmore was closest to him, and the Doctor immediately began scanning him.

"Hmm," he said, looking at the readings.  "There doesn't appear to be any physical damage to the hippocampus, or anything else that would account for selective memory loss.  I'll have to run more detailed neurological scans."

"We were hoping you could have a look at this, too," said Harry, showing him one of the malfunctioning gelpacks.  "We can't find out what's wrong with it."

"I'm a doctor, not an engineer," he groused, but he took the gelpack.  "But I'll have a look if you insist."

He started to move away.  "You can assist me, Mr. Paris."

They all looked at each other.  "Doctor?" called Harry.

He turned around.  "Hm?"

Harry glanced around.  "Who's Paris?"

The Doctor seemed embarrassed.  "Sorry.  Lieutenant Tom Paris," he said, handing Tom a medical tricorder.

Tom looked in puzzlement at the instrument.  "I'm not sure I remember how to use this.  I thought I was the pilot."

"That never stopped you before," said the Doctor with a smirk.  "And you are, in fact, probably the best pilot on the ship."

"Doctor…what about the rest of us?" asked Ashmore.

"Of course," said the Doctor, looking at the expressions of the rest of the group.  "Ensign Robert Ashmore.  You work in engineering.  Lieutenant Commander Tuvok.  You're chief of security.  Ensign Harry Kim, operations officer.  Ensign Renlay Sharr.  You're a bridge officer.  Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres, chief engineer."  He turned to Seven.  "Seven of Nine.  You work mostly in astrometrics, but you're also quite a gifted engineer."

"Seven of Nine," she repeated.  "My designation is…numerical?"

"Your real name is Annika Hansen," he explained. "You were…kidnapped, I guess you could say, at a young age.  It's a long story."

She considered.  "I prefer to have a name." 

"Very well," said the Doctor.   "Annika it is, then."

He turned to the Captain and Chakotay.  "Commander Chakotay.  You're the first officer.  And Captain Kathryn Janeway."

"Thank you, Doctor," she said finally when she found her voice.

He nodded.  "I would appreciate it if a few of you remained so I can run some neurological scans."

They conferred briefly, and it was decided that Harry, B'Elanna, and Ensign Ashmore would stay to be poked and prodded by the EMH.  That taken care of, Chakotay turned to speak to the Captain, but she was gone.

*    *    *

The shaft of light that penetrated her darkened quarters announced Chakotay's entrance, but she didn't turn around from the window, keeping her gaze focused on the unmoving stars in the distance.

"Are you all right?"

She took a deep breath and didn't answer.

He walked over to stand behind her and slowly slipped his arms around her waist.  She put her arms over his, and leaned her head back against his shoulder.

She was trying to maintain her composure by staring out the window, but the tears that were filling her eyes were making it difficult.

He rested his chin on her shoulder and spoke quietly.  "Kathryn."

Of all the things he could have possibly said, that was probably the one word that had the most emotional resonance for her after last night.  She squeezed her eyes shut, and a tear escaped and rolled freely down her cheek.  She slowly turned around buried her head in his chest as her shoulders shook with a sob she had been holding in since the Doctor addressed her in Sickbay.  He wrapped his arms around her and laid his cheek against her hair.

She lost all track of time as she remained like that, only bringing herself back to the moment when he gently pulled her away from him with his hands on either side of her face, leaning down to kiss her.  She allowed it at first, but then gently pushed him away.

He watched her as she stepped backwards and straightened her uniform.  "Well...Commander.  It seems you were right after all."

He frowned.  "Kathryn..."  He stepped forward, reaching out to take her hand, but she pulled it out of reach.

"Commander, I don't think it's appropriate for us to continue our...involvement."

"Why?  Because you're the Captain?"

The defiant tilt of her chin was answer enough.

He again tried to grab her hand.  When she pulled it out of reach, he stepped forward and grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Kathryn.  Do you think it bothers me that you're the Captain?"

She seemed surprised.  "No.  I just don't think it's right for a Captain to be involved with someone under her command."

"Does you being the Captain change how you feel about me?"

Her expression softened.  "Of course not."

"Then nothing else matters."

"But--"

He shook his head to silence her, moving his hand up to the side of her face.  "Nothing else matters."

Her resolve broken, another tear rolled down her cheek and she stepped back into his arms.

*    *    *

Captain Janeway lay on her side in the bed, eyes wide open.  The rhythmic rising and falling of Chakotay's chest next to her back told her that sleep was not as elusive to him as it was to her.  After a glance over her shoulder to make sure that he was indeed asleep, she slowly removed his arms from around her waist and rose from the bed.  She found a robe that matched her dark blue nightgown and pulled it around her.  After another glance at Chakotay, she left the bedroom and headed for the door.

The Doctor frowned as he scanned the bio-neural gelpacks.  He had been performing his examination of the gelpacks and the crew for over six hours, but he was no closer to a solution than when the problem was first presented to him.

He heard the Sickbay doors open, and he frowned, wondering who would be looking for him at this hour.  He nearly dropped the scanning instrument in his hand when he saw Captain Janeway standing in the doorway.  He was even more surprised when he saw that she was wearing nothing more than a nightgown with a silk robe pulled loosely around her.

"Captain!  If you're here for a progress report, I'm afraid I don't have anything to tell you.  I'll know more for the morning briefing, but -- "

She held up her hand.  "I'm not here for a status report, Doctor.  It's more of a...personal matter."

He cleared his throat.  "What can I do for you, Captain?"

She shifted uncomfortably.  "Please, call me Kathryn.  I'm not used to 'Captain' yet."

"Of course."  He motioned towards his office, and she followed him.  When they reached his office, she stood with her back to him with one hand on her hip and let her eyes wander while she gathered her thoughts.  She turned around to face him.

"We haven't been able to find out very much about...our situation.  Being stranded, I mean.  I was hoping you could fill in the blanks."

He nodded.

"We _are stranded."_

"Yes.  We're in the Delta Quadrant, approximately 30,000 light years from Earth.  Your home planet," he added.

"30,000 light years?"

"Yes...but we've traveled that far in under six years," he quickly added.  "I assure you, our progress has been remarkable.  It should have taken us well over 30 years to cover that distance.  Most ships wouldn't have survived a week."

Her eyes widened.  "Six _years?  How far away from home were we?  At the beginning, I mean."_

"We were originally almost 70,000 light years from the Alpha quadrant."

"70,000 light years," she repeated.  "And how...how did that happen?"

It did not pass unnoticed that he became distinctly uncomfortable.  "We were brought here by an entity known as the Caretaker."

"The Caretaker?"

"Starfleet sent Voyager into the badlands to look for a Maquis ship that Mr. Tuvok had boarded as a spy.  The Caretaker's array had brought their ship to the Delta quadrant, and when Voyager went looking for them we were brought there as well."

Seeing her blank look, he simplified the story.

"The details really aren't important.  The Caretaker was a noncorporeal entity searching the galaxy for a compatible mate.  He brought us to his area of the Delta quadrant using advanced technology."

The phrase suddenly came to her.  "Sending you back is terribly complicated."

"Captain?"

She looked up at him, startled.  "It's nothing, Doctor.  Just something from a dream I had."

He looked at her carefully, but decided not to pursue it.  "He kidnapped Mr. Kim, as well as Lieutenant Torres.  We were able to retrieve them, but the Caretaker was dying."

"And that's why we were stranded here.  He died and couldn't send us back."

He shifted uneasily.  "In a manner of speaking."

She could still remember the lingering feeling of guilt from her dream, and her eyes narrowed.  "We couldn't use his technology after he died?"

He looked at her carefully.  Despite her memory loss, it was quite obvious that she was just as perceptive and relentless as usual.  "It may have been possible...but the Ocampa were in danger."

"The Ocampa?"

"A race the Caretaker had been protecting.  The Kazon -- enemies of the Ocampa -- would have used the Caretaker's array to destroy the Ocampan homeworld."

She could see that he was unwilling to continue the story, so she prodded him.  "And?"

"Captain…Kathryn.  This really isn't necessary.  Once I finish my analysis of the gelpacks and the crew's neurological scans, I'm sure I'll be able to devise a treatment and you'll remember all this yourself."

"Tell me," she said in a determined tone of voice.

He wavered for a few seconds, but her gaze made him relent.  "We had a choice between using the array to get home and protecting the Ocampa.  We chose the latter."

She looked at him steadily for a few seconds before her eyes dropped slowly to the ground.  The phrases from her dream came easily, the words ringing in her ears as if she was hearing them for the first time.

_"What do you think you're doing?  That array is the only way we have to get back home!"_

_"__I'm aware everyone has families and loved ones at home they want to get back to. So do I. But I'm not willing to trade the lives of the Ocampa for our convenience. We'll have to find another way home."_

_"What other way home is there?  Who is she to be  making this decision for all of us?"_

_"She's the Captain."_

She squeezed her eyes shut to try and block out the words.  "_I chose.  __I stranded us here."  She brought her eyes up to stare directly into his face.  "Isn't that the truth, Doctor?"_

"It...the crew...we all supported..." His attempts at explanation fell short, and it showed as her expression fell.  "Yes," he admitted.  "You were the one who made the decision."

She took a deep breath as she absorbed this information.  "Thank you, Doctor," she said, unwilling to meet his gaze.  She turned abruptly and left his office.

He started after her.  "Captain?  Kathryn?"

She ignored him, and strode out of Sickbay with her head held high and tears brimming in her eyes.

*    *    *

Chakotay rolled over in bed groggily and reached his hand out.  When he encountered nothing but a cold, empty bed, he cracked his eyes open and glanced around.  There was no sign of Kathryn.  He propped himself up on his elbow, still not fully awake, then slowly swung his feet over the edge of the bed.

He saw her when he walked into the living area -- she was standing in her nightgown staring out the window.  She was lost in thought, and didn't notice him watching her.

"You seem to do that a lot."

Startled, she turned to look at him.

"Stare out the window, I mean," he continued, walking over to join her.

She made no comment and turned back to the window.

He slipped his arms around her waist and leaned forward to kiss the exposed part of her shoulder.  He moved his lips from her shoulder towards her neck, working his way up to her ear.

She didn't even seem to notice him, remaining motionless and not taking her eyes off the stars.

He pulled away from her to get a look at her face.  Her expression was controlled and emotionless.

"We were right," she said quietly.

"About what?"

"That exploring this part of the galaxy was…unintentional."

"That's not really a surprise, is it?"

"I suppose not."  She stepped out of his arms and walked over to the desk, reaching over to turn the holo-image of the senior staff towards her.  She reached over and ran her fingers along the top of it.  "It was me."

He frowned.  "What was you?"

She looked up from the photo.  "I'm the reason we're stranded out here."

"Kathryn, I'm sure -- "

"I asked the hologram about it.  We were brought here by some kind of powerful alien, and instead of using his technology to get us back home…"  Her voice trailed off and she looked back at the photograph.  "I destroyed it."

He took a moment to consider her information.  "You must have had good reason."

She shrugged, not taking her eyes off the photograph.  "The hologram seemed to think so…but I don't see what could possibly justify stranding my crew half a galaxy away from home."  She looked up at him again.  "I'm their Captain.  They are my responsibility.  It was my decision, my order, that stranded us out here."

"Until we have all the facts -- "

"I have all the facts I need," she snapped, pushing herself away from the desk and pacing over to the window.

Not knowing what to say, he was silent until she spoke again in a softer voice.

"I don't even know what I left behind.  A husband, children, parents, friends…I have no idea."

"I'm sure we all left something behind."  He thought for a moment.  "But we have something here, too.  On this ship."

She wouldn't answer him and returned to staring out the window.

*    *    *

Captain Janeway shifted uneasily in her chair.  After two days of sitting near the bottom of the table, having the chair at the head of the table seemed unusual.  But she was the Captain, and she was expected to sit at the head of the table, run the meetings, make decisions, and know what the hell was going on.

She took a deep breath.  "Doctor, what can you tell us?"

The EMH rose from his chair and walked over to one of the viewscreens on the wall.  "I've managed to pinpoint the cause of your memory loss and the computer malfunctions, although I must admit it took quite a bit of sleuthing.  I had to invent an entirely new method of scanning…"  He trailed off as he looked around the table.  "Never mind.  Suffice it to say, I found the problem."  He pulled up a three-dimensional diagram of a brain on the monitor.  "The neurogenic field created by the ion storm interfered with a specific series of neurotransmitters in the hippocampus.  Not surprisingly, the neurotransmitters affected are related to long-term memory retrieval.  When these neurotransmitters were blocked by the neurogenic field, none of you were able to access your long-term memories."

"But we remembered how to work our stations," observed Tom.

"The memories that have to do with skills are stored and retrieved in a completely different fashion from other memories.  The neural pathways for skills, personality, and most other cognitive functions were unaffected."

"What about our dreams?" asked Harry.  "Are those really our memories?"

"As a matter of fact, they are.  When you enter REM sleep, the stage where dreaming occurs, the random activity in the brain often involves the memory centers in the hippocampus.  The activation of these pathways in REM sleep is different from when you're conscious."

"So we could access our memories, but only when we were dreaming," said Harry.

"Precisely.  However, from what some of the crew have told me about their dreams, it seems that not just any memories resurfaced.  They were usually traumatic experiences or events that had a large emotional impact."

"Have you devised a treatment?" asked Tuvok.

"Yes.  I've found a way to restore the activity of the neurotransmitters that were impaired by the neurogenic field.  It's a relatively simple procedure, completely harmless.  I should be able to restore the memories of the entire crew within a matter of days."

"What about the gelpacks?" asked B'Elanna.

"Their malfunction was identical, so the same treatment can be used.  Since they mimic an organic nervous system, they use the same neurotransmitters for data storage and retrieval as you do.  I tested my treatment on one of the gelpacks, and it's functioning at full capacity."

"Good work, Doctor," said Chakotay.  He turned to the Captain.  "I suppose we should begin immediately."

She nodded.  "By all means."

She noticed that the others were all staring at her expectantly.  After the last few days of submitting (albeit rather unwillingly) to Seven's authority, it took her a few seconds to figure out what they were waiting for.  "If there's nothing else, you're dismissed."

She could tell that Chakotay wanted to talk to her, but that was a conversation she preferred to avoid for the moment and she purposely avoided his gaze.

"Doctor?" she said, walking quickly to catch up with him as he left the conference room.  He stopped and turned to look at her.  "A moment?"  She motioned towards the ready room.  She could feel Chakotay watching her intently as she followed the Doctor but she ignored him.

When they reached the privacy of her ready room, the Captain leaned back against her desk and gripped the edge with her hands on either side of her.  Before she had a chance to begin, the Doctor preempted her.

"Captain, if you're going to ask me about the Caretaker again, I think it's best if I refrain from -- "

She held up a hand.  "I'm not."

He was visibly relieved.

"I was just curious about something…"  She paused.  "Do I have any family back home?  Children?  Parents?"

His expression of relief changed to sympathy.  This seemed to be safe enough ground.  "Children?  No.  Your mother still lives on Earth, and you have a sister."

"My father?"

"He died many years ago, I understand."

She nodded thoughtfully, then lifted up her left hand and examined it.  "I'm not married?"

This was more dangerous ground.  "No."  Although he believed that he had betrayed nothing, she noticed the uncomfortable expression that momentarily crossed his face at her question, and her eyes narrowed.

"Doctor?"

He never had been able to resist the Captain's questioning.  "When we were…stranded, you were engaged."

"And?"

"Everyone back home believed we were dead.  He was married about three years ago."

She sighed.  "Thank you."

He turned to leave, but she thought of something else and looked up.  "Doctor?"

"Yes, Captain?"

"There's a young girl on board…"

"Naomi Wildman."

"So that is her name," she said, more to herself than him.  "We thought we found her mother.  A young blond woman who wears a blue uniform."

He nodded.  "Ensign Samantha Wildman.  Yes, you were right.  She's Naomi's mother."

"And her father?"

Caught completely off guard, the surprise showed on his face.  Everyone on Voyager was so used to Naomi's parental…situation…that he hadn't given it a second thought.

The Captain's eyes widened.  "No."  His silence was confirmation enough.  "He…he's back in the Alpha quadrant."

"Naomi's a very fortunate girl," said the Doctor desperately.  "She has Mr. Neelix, Ensign Wildman, Seven…and you.  She appointed herself the Captain's assistant."

She ignored his attempts to distract her.  "How old was she when we were brought to the Delta quadrant?"

"Naomi is half Ktarian, which increases her growth rate.  Despite her appearance, she's actually less than five years old."

"Five years…"  Her eyes widened in horror.  "She's never met her father."

"No."

Her lips parted slightly and she stared at him briefly before regaining her composure.  "That will be all, Doctor."

"Captain, I -- "

A raised eyebrow was enough to make him clamp his mouth shut and nod curtly before leaving the ready room.

Chakotay was there before the doors were even closed.  Seeing the expression on her face, he frowned in concern and instantly forgot what he had been about to say.

"Kathryn?  What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"I don't --"

"Nothing," she said more forcefully.  She stood up and walked around her desk, needing the physical barrier between them.  "Once the Doctor repairs a few of the gelpacks you should be able to access the crew manifest.  I'd like you to coordinate getting everyone back to their proper quarters and duty stations."

He nodded.  "Kathryn, are you sure -- "

"I'm fine, _Commander, thank you."  She sat down behind her desk and reached for a PADD.  "Dismissed."_

*    *    *

The doors to Sickbay had never looked quite so…imposing before.  

They were nothing more that two slabs of gray metal.  Cold.  Inanimate.  Lifeless.  

Nevertheless, they seemed to be taunting her, daring her to approach them.  The Captain took another step forward, but then stopped again.  Whether or not the doors were really defying her to pass, what lay behind them was real enough.  

Her memories.  

Her life.  

And she wasn't entirely sure she wanted them back.  

As long as she was standing in the corridor, she was Kathryn.  Just a woman on a starship.  But if she went through those doors, she would have to become Captain Janeway.  A leader, a commander…and a person responsible for stranding 144 people half a galaxy away from their homes.  

The corridor was safe -- no responsibility, no guilt.

But you couldn't always play it safe.  Taking a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and boldly strode through the Sickbay doors.

As soon as he saw her, the Doctor approached with a smile.  "Captain, I believe this is the first time you've ever been early for one of our appointments."

"I'll have to take your word for it.  Can we get started?"  

"Of course.  Right this way," he said, motioning towards a nearby biobed.  "Make yourself comfortable."

She sat on the edge of the biobed, then swung her legs up and laid back.  The Doctor positioned a scanner above her forehead and took some readings with his tricorder.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, reveling in the last few minutes of innocence and ignorance that would be hers.

He must have noticed that she was uneasy, because she felt his hand on her shoulder.  She opened her eyes.

"There's no need to be nervous, Captain.  I'm merely going to undo the effects of the neurogenic field and restore the neurotransmitter activity in your hippocampus."  When it appeared that she was not comforted by this information, he continued, "I'm sure it will be successful.  I've already restored the memories of nearly a third of the crew."

"I'm not worried that it won't work, Doctor," she said softly.  "I'm worried that it will."

He frowned, surprised.  "I don't understand."

She smiled sadly.  "From what little I've found out already, I'm not sure I will be able to cope with remembering everything."

He smiled fondly.  "Captain, you're one of the strongest people I know.  You've had to deal with more in the past few years than most people would in two lifetimes.  I'm sure you'll be just fine."

She turned her head in his direction, moved by his confidence.  "Thank you."

The Doctor reached for a hypospray.  "I have to sedate you for the procedure."

She nodded her acceptance, and he applied the hypospray to her neck with a soft hiss.

"You'll be flooded with a huge amount of information when you regain consciousness.  It will probably be quite disorienting."

"Understood."

"You'll be unconscious for only a matter of minutes."

She nodded, feeling the sedative working its way through her body.  Her eyelids slowly drooped once, then twice, then closed as she slipped into unconsciousness.

She felt like she was floating somewhere, or underwater perhaps.  It was warm, comfortable, and safe.  She could hear sounds, but they were distant echoes, completely indistinguishable.  Eventually, one of the sounds became clearer and she gradually became aware of the Doctor's voice.

"Captain?  Can you hear me?"

She took a deep breath and her eyes fluttered open. She saw the Doctor leaning over her.  She let her eyes roam around, taking in the Sickbay roof above her.  Her head was pounding -- it felt like she had a massive headache that was just dissipating.

"How are you feeling?"

Since she didn't really know how she was feeling, she didn't answer and instead tried to sit up.  Everything seemed to swim around her, and the Doctor reached out to steady her by the arm.

"Take it easy, Captain.  It will take a few minutes for the effects of the procedure to wear off."

She nodded and put a hand to her head.  Just as the dizziness passed, she was overwhelmed by a rush of emotions and memories.  Her childhood.  Starfleet Academy.  Her father's death.  Her first promotion.  Her first command.  Mark.  Setting foot on Voyager.

Voyager.

The images came faster and clearer now.  Going into the badlands.  Trying to outrun the displacement wave.  Explosions.  Her first officer was dead.  The Caretaker.  Destroying the array.  She gasped as she remembered what she had done.

The past few years flew by in a matter of seconds.  Some good memories…some bad.  She was inexplicably drawn to the bad memories: losing crewmembers, being under attack, feeling alone and isolated.

She felt someone gently shake her by the shoulder.  "Captain?"

Snapped out of her reverie, she finally looked up at the Doctor.  By the look on his face, she must have been absorbed by her own thoughts for longer than it seemed.

"I…I'm fine, Doctor."

He removed his hand from her shoulder.  "Do you remember anything?"

She nodded.  "Everything.  I…"  She froze, and every last ounce of color drained from her face.  

"Captain?"

She quickly regained some semblance of composure and smiled.  "I'm just a little disoriented, that's all."

He nodded.  "I recommend you get some rest."

To his amazement, she didn't argue, merely nodded and jumped off the bed.  "Thank you, Doctor."

"Captain?"  

She turned around.

"It's good to have you back."

Her eyes darted to the ground, then she looked back at him and smiled sadly before turning around again and leaving Sickbay.

The corridor was no longer a safe haven -- she could hear but not see some of the crew approaching.  She turned and quickly made her way to the turbolift and waited impatiently for it to open.  When it did, she stepped in quickly.  

"Deck three."

As soon as the doors were shut, she reached out with one hand to steady herself and used her other hand to cover her mouth in horror.  She had been afraid that the memories of Voyager becoming stranded in the Delta quadrant would be too much for her to handle.  Instead, it was her behavior over the past few days that shocked her.

What had she done?


	4. Visions

DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill - Paramount is God.  All hail Paramount.  They own everything in the Star Trek Universe - I'm just using my overactive imagination to take their characters where they refuse to go.  All in the name of fun, not profit (I wish).

COURTING DISASTER

CHAPTER FOUR: VISIONS

Chakotay looked up at his reflection in the mirror lost in thought, water still dripping off his face.  He turned his head to the side and ran his fingers over the lines of his tattoo.  At least his reflection was familiar again.

His hands braced on either side of the sink, he bowed his head down again. The knot in his stomach hadn't gone away since he had regained consciousness in Sickbay.  In fact, it was getting worse the longer he went without talking to her about it.

It was obvious that Kathryn was avoiding him, but he wanted to postpone their conversation as well so he made no attempt to confront her.

He knew what she was going to say when they had that inevitable conversation.  He had gone over her arguments a million times already in his head.  She felt that a relationship would interfere with her duties.  As Captain, it would be inappropriate for her to be involved with someone under her command.  Their command relationship had to be protected at all costs.  A personal life was a luxury she could not afford.  If it didn't work out, it would have a detrimental effect on their ability to command the ship together.

He sighed.  He knew all the arguments by heart, just as he knew that when he finally confronted her she would end their brief affair.

He could still picture how she looked first thing in the morning.  He remembered every inch of her body and how soft her skin felt under his fingertips.  It was ironic -- he had been unable to appreciate what he had until it was gone.  When they were together he couldn't remember longing for her.  And now…not knowing if he would ever be able to hold her in his arms again…it was almost too painful to think about.

He slowly reached for a towel and dried his face, then turned around and waked back into the main living area.  His gaze fell on his medicine bundle, still sitting on top of his dresser were Kathryn had left it.  He picked it up and turned it over in his hands thoughtfully, then walked over to the middle of the room and sat down, unrolling the bundle in front of him.  

He placed the items in a semi-circle on the fur, then put his hand on the akoonah and closed his eyes, gradually slowing his breathing.

"A-koo-chee-moya.  We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of my people. But I ask that one powerful creature will help me find the answers I seek."

When he felt the warm breeze on his face, he opened his eyes and found himself on the cliffs not far from the home where he grew up.  He rose from the ground and inhaled deeply before starting up the path in search of his animal guide.

When he heard the screech of the hawk, he looked up and saw her circling above him.  He watched her graceful flight as she slowly drew nearer to the ground, finally settling on a rock a few meters away.

When he drew closer, the hawk stared at him with her bright yellow eyes, and he heard her words in his mind.

"It has been a long time, Chakotay."

He nodded and sat down on a rock opposite the one on which she was perched.

"You are troubled."

"Yes."

"You carry anger with you."

"Yes."

"I had thought those days were behind you, Chakotay.  Are you angry with yourself?"

"Yes," he said, then, "No.   That's why I've come to seek your guidance."

"Tell me what troubles you."

"We encountered a spatial anomaly that erased our memories.  Everything about who we are, where we were from…it was all gone."

"The past is what shapes us.  That must have been difficult for you and your crew.  Is that what is troubling you?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"Through the entire experience, the only thing that was familiar was Kathryn. Everything was foreign and strange except her.  I knew that she was a part of my life.  She felt the same way about me."

"The heart is often a better guide than the mind.  It is less easily fooled by the outside world."

"Having one thing that feels familiar in such confusion was…I can't even begin to describe it.  It was…something to cling to in a sea of chaos.  Before we regained our memories, we were together."

"And this disturbs you?"

"No, it was…the most incredible experience of my life.  But now that we've regained our memories…"

"You believe she will push you away."

"I know she will."  He sighed.  "I've been trying to avoid it, but it's inevitable."

"And you seek peace."

"My peace is with her.  It has been for a long time now.  Now that we've been together, I don't think I can be satisfied with anything less."

"You want to find peace and be with her.  Perhaps you will have to be satisfied with peace alone."

He frowned, frustrated by the riddle.  "I don't understand.  She brings me peace."

"You are not the only one who needs peace, Chakotay.  You must find another path."

"I don't know how."

"There are many paths to what you seek.  If one closes, you must take another."

"Being with Kathryn brought me peace.  I don't know how I can have one without the other."

"Yes, you do.  You just don't want to face it."

"Tell me."

"You know what you must do."

With that, the hawk spread her wings and took to the air, disappearing before Chakotay had even jumped to his feet.  

Still feeling restless, he started back down the path.  He remembered his vision quests when he was a child.  His guide had often spoken in riddles and then left, frustrating him to no end.

Before he had gone very far, he heard the voice of his animal guide, hollow and fleeting as if carried on the wind.

"How easily you forget your own words, Chakotay."

He opened his eyes and found himself back in his quarters.

*    *    *

Holding her well worn coffee cup in her hands, the Captain drummed her fingers on it absentmindedly as she stared out the window of her ready room.  All the warmth had long ago escaped the liquid inside, but she was holding the cup more out of habit than anything else.

She still hadn't recovered from the shock she had received in Sickbay.  She and Chakotay had actually…  She closed her eyes, trying to force herself not to think about it, but it didn't work and she smiled to herself.  The past few days had been one of the most incredible experiences of her life.  She could still remember the feel of his strong hands as they ran across her body and the way he had whispered her name in her ear when they --

She opened her eyes and stepped back from the window.  No.  She couldn't allow herself to think like that.  She had no choice.  There was no way it could continue.  It couldn't work.  She wouldn't let it.

She knew he would not agree, she knew she would have to be the one to end it, and she knew that he would accept her decision…reluctantly, but eventually.

She wasn't sure he would be able to maintain their friendship and forget what happened.  For that matter, she wasn't sure that she could either.  But she had no choice…right?

"I don't have a choice," she told herself, as if saying it out loud would make her accept it.  She was the Captain.  She could not be involved with a member of her crew.  Even if she had…feelings for him.

She snorted to herself.  "Feelings for him"?  That was putting it mildly.  She had known him, worked side by side with him, for almost seven years, but it felt like she had known him her whole life.  He was a part of her.  It was like they were joined spiritually, like their minds were connected, like their hearts were intertwined.  And that was before they had been together.  Together in every way that two people could be together.

She was startled when the door to her ready room chimed.  "Come."

Seven of Nine entered, looking uncomfortable.

"Seven.  What can I do for you?"

Seven stood with her hands clasped behind her back.  "I believe I owe you…an apology."

"Oh?"  She moved over to lean forward on the railing that divided the ready room.  "For what?"

"I assumed command when I had no right to."

"You had no way of knowing, Seven."

Seven raised an eyebrow.  "I disregarded your suggestions."

She smiled.  "I'll admit your command style could use some work, but you had the best interests of the crew at heart."

"You are not offended by the way I treated you and the others?"

"Consider it forgotten."

"Thank you, Captain."  

She looked at the ex-drone with concern.  "How are you holding up?"

Seven frowned in confusion.  "Captain?"

"Have you had any more nightmares?"

Seven glanced down at the ground.  "I'll manage."

"I know how traumatic the memories of your assimilation are for you.  If you want to talk, you know where to find me."

"Thank you."  With that, Seven turned and left, leaving the Captain alone with her thoughts in the silent room.  

Alone.  She had never realized how truly alone she was until she had entered her quarters after her memories had been restored.  They had never seemed so empty before, but with the memory of Chakotay's presence in her life so fresh in her mind, she felt like she had never really had anything but loneliness since the day they were stranded in the Delta quadrant.  He filled a part of her life, a part of herself, that she didn't realize was missing until it was suddenly there.  How ironic -- she found a part of her life that was missing while the rest of her life was gone…and now that she had the rest back, he was gone.

But he only had to be gone if that was what she wanted.  Or rather, if that was what she chose.

She closed her eyes.  She couldn't think like that.  There was no other way.  

Best to get it over with.  She hit her commbadge.

"Janeway to Chakotay."

There was a short pause before he answered, and she could hear the hesitation in his voice.  _Go ahead._

"Could I see you in my ready room?  It's important."

She thought she heard him sigh over the comm.  _I'll be right there._

She paced back and forth.  At first, it felt like it was taking him forever to get there, but when the chime on the door sounded she immediately wished it had taken him longer.

"Come," she called as she turned away from the window.

He stepped through the doors, and as soon as their eyes met she realized that he knew what to expect from her.  She wordlessly motioned her head towards the couch, and he passed her and took a seat.  She set her coffee down on the table, then leaned forward on the railing that divided the room.

"I don't know where to start," she admitted quietly after a minute, standing up and turning around to face him.

He looked at her in silence.

"Commander, I --"

Anger suddenly rose in his chest and he interrupted her.  "Can't you even bring yourself to say it?  _Kathryn?"_

She held up her hand.  "You're right, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean…"  She took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut.

He regretted his outburst.  He had intended to be calm and rational since that would increase the likelihood of him getting through to her, but her addressing him by his rank had been such a sign of coldness from her that he had been unable to hold his tongue.

"Chakotay…we weren't ourselves.  What happened between us was the result of the situation, nothing more."

"You don't honestly believe that."

Taken by surprise, she stared at him in stunned silence before she managed a reply.  "I…whether I believe it or not doesn't matter.  It can't continue."

"Why?  Your ideas of protocol and what you think you have to deny yourself for this crew?"

"And you think I should just ignore protocol and the welfare of this crew just because of one…fling when we had no memory of each other?"

He shook his head in disbelief, his intention of remaining calm forgotten.  "Did it mean anything to you at all?"

She looked away momentarily, but soon turned back to him with a remote stare, her expression devoid of emotion.

He looked at her with wonder -- he could barely keep himself from either throwing something at her or kissing her, but she was in full Captain mode.  Detached, aloof, emotionless.  Business as usual. 

"How can you be so cold about this?" he asked her quietly.

For an instant, when he said that, he saw a crack in her resolve.  The façade was broken.  The slight parting of her lips would have been enough, but he managed to glimpse the painful expression in her eyes in the second before she looked away.  When she met his gaze again, she was in control, but the damage was done.

"It was a mistake," she said.  If it weren't for the gap in her emotional hold he had just witnessed, the slight waver in her voice might have gone unnoticed. 

"A mistake?" he repeated.  "You think of it as a mistake?"

"If it's going to cost us our friendship?  I certainly do consider it a mistake."  She looked at him carefully.  "Is it going to cost us our friendship, Chakotay?"

He saw the flash of pain and regret in her eyes again, and he realized how much this was costing her.  Having to be the Captain, having the responsibility, being forced to make the decisions.  

He wanted to reassure her that he would always support her, but he wasn't sure he could honestly remain close friends with her without being constantly tortured about what might have been.  She might be satisfied with that, but he…

Suddenly, it dawned on him.  What his animal guide had meant.

It took a few seconds to steel himself for what he had to do.  It was going to be painful, but…he had to do it.  For her.

He took a deep breath.  "Of course it's not going to cost us our friendship.  You're absolutely right.  I know that nothing can happen between us now.  It would be completely inappropriate."

Her reaction was completely unexpected.  He thought she would smile in relief, touch his arm like she always did, and ask him to join her for coffee.  Instead, she looked like he had slapped her in the face.

"Kathryn?  Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm…I'm fine.  I'm just surprised." She gave him a little smile.  "I thought it would be harder to convince you than this."

"Is there anything else?"

"No," she said, too surprised to even try and think of anything else she needed from him.

He nodded and rose to leave.  Before he made it to the door, he turned back around.  "Kathryn?"

"Hm?"

"If it's all right with you…"  He smiled fondly.  "I'm not going to remember the past few days as a mistake."

She took a deep breath and nodded, trying to return his smile, and he turned and left.

She watched the doors close behind him and leaned forward again on the railing.  

"Neither will I." 

*    *    *

Eating dinner in the mess hall with Tom, B'Elanna glanced up and saw Harry moving towards their table.  "So, Harry," she said as he sat down.  "Did you do anything to tarnish your squeaky clean reputation while you were an amnesiac?"

"What?  No, of course not," he said, not understanding that she was joking.

"You and Seven seemed to work pretty close together," said Tom with a grin.

Harry glared at him.  At least this time he had something to bargain with to get Tom to shut up.  "I'm sure B'Elanna's pleased that the Delaney sisters were able to resist your charms."

B'Elanna set her fork down and turned to Tom with a raised eyebrow.  "You were hitting on the Delaney sisters?"

Tom cried out at such a horrendous suggestion.  "No!  Well…maybe just a little."

"The Delaney sisters?" she repeated.

"And Lieutenant Nicoletti," continued Harry.  "And Ensign Sharr.  I think I heard Crewman Celes mention something about meeting you for dinner."

B'Elanna glared at Tom.

"What?" he protested.  "I couldn't remember you.  And maybe I would have flirted with you too if you weren't so busy arguing with the entire engineering staff."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing.  I'm just saying that you had more on your mind that submitting to the charms of certain handsome pilots."

She was about to retort when she noticed Chakotay eating by himself in a corner.  "What's eating him?" she asked, motioning towards him.

Harry turned around in his seat.  "What?"

"I can't remember the last time I've seen him so…depressed."

"He looks fine to me," said Tom.

"I've known him longer.  Something's definitely bothering him."  She pushed her chair back from the table.  "I'm going to go see what's wrong."

"I'll meet you on the holodeck later?" asked Tom.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather meet the Delaney sisters?"

"No, just you."

She accepted his peace offering.  "1900 hours."

She walked over to Chakotay's table and stood opposite him, but he seemed to be absorbed in whatever he was reading on his PADD.

"Mind if I join you?" she asked when he still hadn't noticed her.

He looked up, startled, then nodded and motioned to the empty chair.  "Something on your mind?" he asked as she sat down.

"I was going to ask you the same question."

He frowned.  "What makes you say that?"

"You've been quiet since we all got our memories back.  What -- did you do something disreputable while under the influence of that anomaly?"

She was joking, but she saw by the surprised look on his face that she must have hit the mark.  She raised her eyebrows.  "You did, didn't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Come on, Chakotay."  She glanced around to make sure they wouldn't be overheard, then leaned forward across the table.  "Who was she?"

He got that surprised look on his face again, and she sat back in her chair in disbelief.  "That's it, isn't it?  You got involved with somebody and now you regret it."

He shook his head with a chuckle.  "You've been hanging around Tom for too long, B'Elanna."  With that, he gathered up his PADDs and left the table.

She turned around in her chair and watched him leave.  She saw Tom and Harry looking at her questioningly, but she merely shrugged.

Chakotay waited until he had left the mess hall before he let out the breath he had been holding.  He would have to be more careful around the crew.  The only thing that could possibly make the situation worse would be if anyone else found out about it.

When he entered his quarters, his eyes roamed around the room, seeking his medicine bundle.  Without hesitating, he walked across the room and grabbed it, then settled himself on the floor and unrolled it.

He placed his hand on the akoonah.

"A-koo-chee-moya.  We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of my people. But I ask, on this day of confusion and sadness, that one creature will come to me and help me find the answers I seek."

He soon found himself on the familiar cliffs, and saw his animal guide perched nearby, watching him.  He acknowledged her with a nod and took a seat on the ground, looking out over the cliffs. 

The scene was not as he remembered it from his childhood, with the village in the distance and people moving about.  Nor was it as he had seen it on his last visit, with charred houses, blackened bodies, and devastation everywhere.  It was as nature had made it, untouched and unscarred by human hands.  Or Cardassian disruptors.

"You are unsettled, Chakotay."

He turned away from his contemplation of the scene to look at the hawk.  "I spoke with Kathryn."

"I see."

"I was right.  She was going to put a stop to our involvement.  I did what you suggested."

The bird seemed amused.  "And what was that?"

"I told her that what had happened between us couldn't continue…before she had a chance to do it herself."

"I don't recall saying any such thing."

Chakotay smiled.  "You said there was more than one way to find peace and that I had forgotten my own words."

"And did you remember them?"

He got a faraway look in his eyes as he recited the words by heart.  "The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter.  From that day on, her needs would come first.  And in that way, he began to know the true meaning of peace."

He could tell that she was pleased, but then she looked at him carefully.  "And yet you are not at peace."

He sighed and looked down at the ground.  "No."

"And neither is she."

His head snapped up.  "What?  How can you know that?"

"I know many things."

"But if this didn't bring _her peace, then why…I only did it to spare her the pain of having to end our involvement herself."_

"Perhaps because it was the one true path to peace.  Perhaps because this is the way it has to be."

"I refuse to accept that."

The hawk smiled.  "Good."

Without warning, she spread her wings and took to the sky without another word.  She was out of sight by the time he looked up to catch a glimpse of her.  He looked after her in puzzlement -- that was the second time in a row that she had left abruptly before his quest was completed.  After remaining where he was for a few minutes, he rose and moved down the path.

When he walked around a bend in the trail, he stopped in his tracks.  He saw something that he had never seen before in a vision quest.

Another animal guide.

It was a small lizard, sunning itself on a rock.  He was inexplicably drawn to it, and he walked over to kneel down next to the rock where the lizard was sitting.

He observed the creature in silence for a few minutes.  Its skin was a soft green color and as he watched it the lizard turned its head and looked at him.  He could see intelligence in its bright yellow eyes.

"Hello," he said.

The lizard cocked her head and looked at him for a few seconds before slinking backwards on the rock away from him.

"She runs from you, Chakotay."

He turned his head around to see his animal guide perched on a desiccated tree stump nearby before he looked back at the lizard.

"You have nothing to fear from me," he told the lizard.

Behind him, the hawk laughed.  "No, Chakotay.  She fears herself."

Chakotay slowly extended his hand, and after a few seconds the lizard tentatively moved towards him.  Timidly, the animal placed one foot on his hand, then scampered up so she was entirely on his hand and forearm.

He smiled.  "See?"  he told her.  "I won't hurt you."

Although the clammy skin of the lizard on his hand did not feel familiar, there was something familiar about the way the lizard touched him, the feeling he got from it.

His lips parted and he spoke to his animal guide without taking his eyes off the creature sitting in his hand.

"This is Kathryn's guide," he whispered.

"Very perceptive, Chakotay."

"How?"

"Do you really need me to explain it to you?"

He shook his head.  "No."

He knew how this was possible.  He and Kathryn were connected in a way that defied explanation.  He understood her, trusted her, in a way he had never felt about anyone.  They were two parts of the same soul, and the more he thought about it the more it seemed completely natural for him to be able to be able to see her spirit guide.  

"Does Kathryn have the ability to see you?"

"If she chooses to.  If she lets you in."

Chakotay nodded and reached over to run a finger along the lizard's back.

The emotions hit him like a plasma discharge.  Despair.  Sadness.  Betrayal.  Longing.  And loneliness.  God, such loneliness.

As the emotions continued to flow, he knew instinctively who they belonged to.

"Kathryn," he breathed.

He turned to the hawk.  "Is this…did I do this?  By…by telling her I didn't think we should be involved?"

The bird would not answer him.

"I have to help her," he said forcefully, still aching with the pain, Kathryn's pain, that was reverberating in his chest.

"She must help herself, Chakotay." said the hawk.  "But perhaps you can help her find her path."

"How?"

"You have the answer before you."

He looked back at the lizard.  Kathryn's lizard.  Reaching back to the rock, he allowed the creature to crawl off his hand.  He ran a finger along its back before he stood up and faced his animal guide again.

"She seeks peace, Chakotay," said the bird.  "As do you."

*    *    *

Kathryn looked up from her work, startled.  She glanced around her quarters warily.  They were quiet and empty, but she had just had the distinct feeling that there had been somebody else there with her.  She looked at her shoulder, and slowly reached up to touch it.  She could have sworn that Chakotay had just been standing behind her and had put her hand on his shoulder.  It had felt so reassuring…but it must have been just her imagination.

She turned her attention back to the PADD in her hands, but her eyes moved over the page mechanically without taking any of the information in.  When she reached the end of the report and realized she had no idea what it was about, she set it aside with a sigh and leaned back in her chair.

_This is hopeless, she thought.  She was far too preoccupied to get any work done._

She tilted her head back on the chair and stared up at the ceiling.  She hadn't been able to get her mind off her conversation with Chakotay in her ready room since it had happened.

When those words had come out of his mouth, telling her he didn't think they should be together…she could barely find the words to describe her reaction.  Inexplicably, she had felt like she had been punched in the stomach.  She still didn't understand why -- that was what she had wanted, wasn't it?  For him to accept it without a fight?  She had called him there to tell him exactly what he had said…so why did she feel like her world had fallen out from under her?

A small voice in the back of her head whispered the answer -- because she hadn't truly wanted to tell him it was over.  But what she wanted didn't matter.  She was the Captain.

Unfortunately, those words that had been her mantra for the past six years failed to give her any comfort, and every time she heard his words echoing in her ears she got the same sharp stab of pain in her chest.  The whole thing had happened so fast, and she was still at a loss to understand what had possessed him to tell her that their continued involvement would be inappropriate.

That thought gave her a small glimmer of clarity.  That was partly what was bothering her -- he agreed with her.  His support gave her confidence in every matter but this one.  Despite the fact that he had always respected her choice, she knew he didn't agree that a relationship would in any way hinder her ability to command the ship.  His opposition, although silent, was normal; she was used to it.  But now…such a drastic about-face on his part made her stop and reconsider her own position.

She knew she loved him.  If she hadn't known it before, she knew it now.  The memory of the few days, and nights, they had shared together had made it infinitely more difficult and painful to push him away.  It had also made it harder for her to pull herself away from her situation.  After six years, she had become adept at splitting herself in two, separating the Captain from Kathryn.  She had learned to do that very early in their journey.  It was the only way she could avoid becoming paralyzed by emotion.

The chime on her doors startled her from her thoughts.  "Come in."

She was both relieved, surprised, and upset when Chakotay entered.  She immediately noticed he was carrying something.

"What's this?" she asked, pushing her chair back from her desk and rising to meet him.

"My medicine bundle."  His eyes ran over her face, scrutinizing her carefully.  "I thought you might like to borrow it."

Surprised, she had to think for a moment.  "I…would like that."

He turned it over in his hands.  "After the past few days, I think we could all use some peace of mind."

She reached over to run her hand over the bundle.  "It's been years…I'm not sure I remember how."

He knew instantly what she was asking.  "I could stay and guide you."

She smiled at how easily he interpreted the meaning behind her words.  "Thank you."

He followed her over to the couch near the window, and she sat down in front of it with her legs crossed.  He seated himself across from her and rolled out the medicine bundle in between them, spreading the items out in a semi-circle.  He placed the akoonah in front of her, and she laid her hand on it.

"Ready?"

She nodded.

"A-koo-chee-moya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. But perhaps there is one powerful being who will embrace this woman and give her the answers she seeks.  Let your eyes close. Breath deep to fuel the light in your belly. Let it expand and grow until the light is everywhere. Leave this room, this ship and seek out the place where you were the most content and peaceful you have ever been. Feel it,  hear the sounds of this place."

She was sitting quietly with her eyes closed, her breathing slow and rhythmic.

"Are you there?"

He saw her smile.  "Yes."

She looked around the familiar scene fondly.  The surf was crashing against the beach, and the sun was hanging in the horizon over the water.  There was a warm breeze blowing off the water, gently blowing through her hair.  The rhythmic crashing of the waves was relaxing, and she took in the scene for several minutes before she heard the voice.

"Hello, Kathryn."

She turned around to the rocky cliffs behind the beach.  The lizard, looking exactly as she had remembered it, was sitting on a small rock near a rise in the sandy ground.

"Hello," she replied, moving towards the creature.

"It is a long time since you have visited here."

She thought.  "Almost six years, I imagine."

"Time has no meaning for me, but six years is a long time for you."

She nodded, but paused, uncertain how to proceed.  "Do you know about…me, my crew?  Where we are, what's happened to us?"

"Why don't you tell me," said the lizard,  not answering the question.

"About anything in particular?"

"Anything you wish to speak of.  Yourself, your past, your crew.  Whatever you choose."

Taking a deep breath, she took a seat with her back against another rock and her knees pulled up to her chest.  "I don't know where to begin."

"Start at the beginning.  The first thing that comes to mind."

The scene before her stirred an old memory.  "The last time I came here," she smiled.  "Chakotay offered to help me contact my animal guide.  I was intrigued, really.  And God knows I needed someone to talk to back then."  She closed her eyes, and spoke as the thoughts came to her.  "Voyager was exploring a nebula…except it turned out to be a lot more than a nebula."

She lost track of time as she followed her meandering train of thought, telling the small creature about anything and everything that came to mind.  Anomalies she and her crew had encountered, aliens they had met, the day they made contact with home, her observation of Tom and B'Elanna's deepening relationship, Seven of Nine's quest to regain her individuality, the Borg children departing, Kes leaving the ship, the Void.  And a lot that had happened in between.

Eventually, her thoughts trailed off and she sat in silence for a few minutes.

"You have been through a great deal," said the lizard.

"That's putting it mildly."

"It has been difficult for you."

"It's been difficult for everyone on my crew."

"Others on your crew have someone they can turn to.  You have built walls to keep others away."

She looked up, startled.  "I talk to Tuvok…to Chakotay."

"Talking does not mean you let them in or are any less alone.  To do that, you must allow yourself to feel."

"I don't have that luxury.  I'm the Captain.  I'm supposed to be detached."

"That is not possible for anyone."

"I beg to differ.  Vulcans do it quite well."

"Vulcans meditate and acknowledge their emotions.  They balance feeling with control, instead of just denying that the emotions exist at all.  And you, Kathryn Janeway, are not Vulcan."

She heaved a deep sigh.

"Your emotions run deep.  They are powerful, yet you ignore them.  Why?"

"Because I have to."

"No.  That is merely what you tell yourself."

She didn't answer and instead turned her head to look at the waves break on the sandy beach.  She watched each new wave slowly build up in the surf, then break open in a foaming burst of white bubbles and crash on the shore, spreading out and becoming indistinguishable from the rest of the waves.  The lizard's voice interrupted her thoughts before long.

"This is not where you want to be."

She turned her head to look at her.  "What do you mean?"

"Do you remember how you were instructed to choose a place for your quest?"

She thought for a moment.  "Chakotay said to go to the place where I was the most content and peaceful I had ever been."

"Why do you think you came here?"

She looked back out at the ocean with a smile.  "I used to come here with my father when I was a child.  Just the two of us.  He said it was our special place.  We would sit on the beach for hours, just talking or watching the waves and the birds.  This is where I decided I wanted to be a Starfleet officer, just like him."

"And this is where you were the happiest?"

She looked back at the animal.  "Yes."

The guide shook her head sadly.  "Even here, in meditation, you will not admit it to yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

She stared at the small creature in frustration.  "Do you always talk in such riddles?"

"I am here to guide you, Kathryn, nothing more.  But you can ask me a question if it will make you feel better.  I know that is how you like things to be."

"Fine.  Where was I the happiest?"

"Only you have the answer to that."

She rolled her eyes.  

"You would not believe me even if I told you," continued the lizard.

"Try me."

"You cannot take the easy path, Kathryn.  You must discover it yourself."

She sighed and sat in silence before what was really on her mind finally made it to the forefront of her thoughts.

"Can I ask you something about…someone else?"

"You can ask me what you will.  I may or may not answer."

"Does…"  She paused.  "My crew and I…our memories were wiped.  Before we regained them, Chakotay and I were involved."

"This upsets you."

"It upsets me because…because it could cost us our friendship.  I was going to end it, but before I got the chance…he told me he didn't think we should be involved anymore."  She took a deep shaky breath.  "I need to know…have his feelings for me changed?"

"If you can never be together, what does it matter?"

"I need to know."

"Will it be easier to ignore your feelings if you know he no longer returns them?"

"No…I mean…"  She took a deep breath.  "I need to hold out some kind of hope, to believe in the possibility, however slim, that someday we could have a future together."

The lizard smiled.  "At last you are honest with yourself."

"I need to hold onto that," she said emotionally, tears stinging her eyes.  "Have his feelings changed?"

"You must determine that for yourself.  I do not have all the answers you seek.  I only help you find those answers yourself."

Before she had a chance to say another word, the lizard scampered off.  She opened her eyes, and found herself back in her quarters.

Chakotay reached over and rested a hand on her knee.  "Kathryn?"

She merely nodded, feeling exhausted.  She reached behind her, trying to use the couch to push herself into a standing position, but the room started spinning around her and she felt her legs give out from under her before she sat back on the floor, disoriented.

She felt Chakotay's hands on her shoulders, steadying her.  When the pounding in her head passed, she opened her eyes to see him kneeling in front of her.  She saw his lips moving before she became aware of him speaking.

"Kathryn?  Are you all right?"

She put a hand to her head and nodded before trying to stand up again.

He gently held her down, his hands still on her shoulders.  "Just sit still for a moment until it passes."

"What happened?"

"Probably just an after effect of the vision quest.  It happens to me sometimes when I stay as long as you did."

She removed her hand from the side of her head and looked up at him.  "How long?"

"Almost two hours."

Her eyes widened.  "That long?" she blurted.  "Chakotay, I'm sorry, I had no idea.  You didn't need to stay."

"I'm glad I did.  You don't look like you'd be very steady on your feet right about now.  Did it help you at all?"

"A little."  She smirked.  "Does your animal guide always talk in riddles?"

He laughed.  "Yes, unfortunately."

She noticed him still watching her with concern, and she reached over to pat him on the knee.  "I'll be fine, really, Chakotay."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded.  "And thank you.  I appreciate the gesture."

He turned around and gathered up his medicine bundle.  "Do you want me to leave this here?"

"No, that's all right."

He stood up, but turned around again before he left.  "If you need anything, you know where to find me."

She smiled.  "Thank you."

He held her gaze for a long time before he turned around and left her quarters.

She looked after him for what seemed like an eternity before she slowly leaned back against the couch.  He had sat here for two hours, just to make sure she would be all right.  A smile slowly crossed her lips as she remembered the concern in his eyes, the tenderness in his touch, the warmth in his voice.

She had her answer.

*    *    *

Captain Janeway rolled over from her side onto her back on the bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling.  She lifted her arm up and rested it across her forehead as she sighed.  After laying still for a few more minutes, she threw the covers off and rose, pulling a robe around her as she made her way over to her desk.  She sat down and pulled a stack of PADDs towards her.

She barely even got through the first paragraph of Harry's operations report before she set the PADD down and leaned forward on her elbows, her head in her hands.  She sighed in frustration -- she wasn't able to work any more than she was able to sleep.  It felt like her brain was racing at warp 9 in every direction at once, except for the fact that one thing was always on her mind -- Chakotay.

She wondered if another vision quest might help her clear her mind.  She glanced at the chronometer.  0147.  Chakotay was probably asleep.

However, his instructions to her from the other day were still fresh enough in her mind that she felt confident she could do it herself.

She pushed her chair back from her desk and moved over to the replicator.  This was going to cost her a few replicator rations, but she would just have to put up with Neelix's coffee substitutes and whatever he cooked up for the next few weeks.  If this gave her any kind of tranquility, it would be worth having to eat a little leola root.

She called up the replicator program for an akoonah, then replicated a piece of fur like Chakotay used for his bundle.  That done, she gave some thought to what she would need in her medicine bundle.  She tried to think about what Chakotay had told her about the objects in his bundle.  He had never told her about them specifically, but he had mentioned once how a person was supposed to go about choosing objects for a medicine bundle.  She moved towards the bedroom.  

"Objects that define you," she muttered to herself.  When she reached her bedroom, she put her hands on her hips and looked around.  Her eyes fell on the holo-image of the senior staff on her dresser.  She walked over and picked it up with a smile.  "Well, I think this qualifies," she said to the empty room.

She tried to think of what else Chakotay had said.  "You need something to ground you, remind you where you come from," she muttered.

After a few minutes of thought, she walked over and opened a drawer, rooting around until she found what she was looking for.  She set the holo-image of the crew down to reach into the drawer and pull out the small flat glass case.  Her father's Starfleet medals.

She had almost left them behind when she had left Earth for Deep Space Nine, but at the last minute she had thrown them in with the rest of her things.  She was glad she had done that.  At times, when she had doubts about her strict adherence to Starfleet protocols, she would pull out the medals and look at them.  They never failed to give her new confidence in everything she stood for, all the ideals that had been passed on to her from her father.

She set the medals beside the image on top of the dresser, and she was just about to close the drawer when another object caught her eye.  She pushed away a book that was laying on top of it.  It was the old-fashioned pocket watch Chakotay had given her for her birthday.  It must have been…almost three years ago, she thought.  She picked it up and turned it over in her hand thoughtfully.  She was at a loss to explain it, but she had always felt a deep connection to the watch.  Chakotay had told her the story behind it, about Captain Cray and his lost ship, but she had a feeling that her attachment to the watch was due to more than the story, or even because it had been a present from Chakotay.  It was as if there was something hidden inside it, something subtle yet powerful that eluded her.  It was like a whisper in the back of her mind, telling her how lucky she was to have her crew while at the same time conveying a great sense of loss and sadness.

Making a decision, she picked up the watch and shut the drawer before gathering up the other two items.

She moved back into the main room and made herself comfortable on the floor so she was looking out the window at the stars streaking by.  She laid the fur out on the floor in front of her, then placed the three items she had chosen in a semi-circle before setting the akoonah in front of her and placing her hand on it.

She took a deep breath.  "A-koo-chee-moya.  We are far from the homes of our ancestors.  We are far from the bones of our people.  But I ask that one creature will seek me out and help me find the answers I need."

She took deep, slow breaths as Chakotay had taught her, relaxing and letting her mind drift.

Her success was first obvious by the sound of rustling leaves and the wind blowing against her face.  This time, when she opened her eyes, she was not on the beach of her childhood.  She appeared to be in some kind of forest, but it was not one that she immediately recognized.  There was a light breeze blowing through the trees, and the branches swayed lightly in the wind.

She moved along the winding path among the trees, knowing instinctively where to go without having any idea where her steps were leading her.  She didn't bother looking for her animal guide -- she knew the frustrating creature would turn up eventually.

Moving around a bend in the path, the trees thinned out and she approached a clearing.  As soon as she cleared the edge of the forest and her eyes fell on the scene before her, she stopped in her tracks.  Her eyes roamed over the shelter, the fledgling tomato plants, the bathtub.

"New Earth," she whispered.

"You're making progress, Kathryn.  I did not think you would come here this quickly."

She turned to her left to see her guide sitting on a nearby rock.  "Why am I here?"

"Because this is the place you chose."

"No," she said, shaking her head.  "No.  I wouldn't come back here."

"Because you have tried so hard to forget it?"  The lizard laughed.  "That does not mean it never happened or that it doesn't mean something to you."

Not bothering to answer, she walked towards the familiar shelter.  It looked exactly as she remembered it.

"Of course it does."

She turned back to her guide with a raised eyebrow.

"This was all created by you," said the animal.

She ignored her and continued walking around the clearing that had been their home for over six weeks. An involuntary smile crossed her lips and she began to see why she had come here.  Her guide was right -- despite everything that had brought them here, despite being left behind, and despite having to "define parameters"…she had been happy here.  She remembered it vividly now, and wondered why it had taken her so long to recall it.

Then she remembered something else -- that faithful day when they had heard the static over their commbadges.

Instantly, the Starfleet Captain had taken over and Kathryn was forgotten.  She was happy to be back on Voyager, because a Captain would never resent or regret being rescued, even deep down.  What happened between her and Chakotay was nothing, because she was the Captain and he was her First Officer and that was the way things had to remain.

"Things have not changed, have they?"

She looked across the clearing at the lizard.  "I'm sorry?"

"Doesn't that sound a little familiar?  You are the Captain, he is your First Officer.  The way things have to remain."

She sighed.  "If it does…you're right.  Nothing's changed."

"You have."

She finished her turn around the clearing, reaching the rock where the lizard sat patiently.

"Did you find the answers you sought?" asked the creature.

"About Chakotay?"  Taking a seat on the ground with her knees pulled up to her chest and her back against a rock, she smiled.  "Yes."

"Did the answer please you?"

She thought for a moment.  "Yes and no.  Yes because knowing how he feels gives me more strength and determination than he'll ever know.  No because…it means we're back to the same old problems.  Problems that all started right here when I tried to define parameters."

"You think of them as problems?"

"Yes.  I haven't been able to sleep or think straight for days."

"The decision you have made troubles you."

She looked up, startled.  "I…yes, I suppose it does."

"If something troubles you, perhaps it is because you have chosen the wrong path."

"No  This was the only decision I could make."

The lizard smiled.  "Does telling yourself that truly give you comfort?"

She sighed.  "It used to."

"It does not any more?"

"Not really.  I'm starting to wonder why I've really been pushing him away for so long.  I know that it would be inappropriate for me to be involved with anyone under my command…but…"

"You wonder if that is reason enough."

"Yes."

"You feel it would be betraying Starfleet if you were involved?"

She considered.  "No…I mean, I don't feel that strongly about…I wouldn't call it betrayal, exactly.  It would be inappropriate…but betrayal?  No."

"I see."  The lizard appraised her.  "And are your feelings for him strong enough to warrant a little impropriety?"

She closed her eyes with a sigh.  "There's more to it than that…As Captain, I don't have the luxury of pursuing a personal relationship."

"You do not deny this to anyone else on your crew."

"They're not in command."

"And you are not capable of separating yourself from your emotions?"

"On the contrary, I…"  Her eyes widened and her voice dropped to a whisper.  "I'm quite good at it."

"What were your other reasons for your decision?"

"It wasn't even my decision this time."

"Wasn't it?"

"Chakotay was the one who told me it couldn't continue."

"And what would he have done if you had told him your true feelings and that you were prepared to look beyond your devotion to protocol?"

"I could never do that."

"That is not what I asked."

She closed her eyes as she realized the answer.  "He would have…he would have agreed in a heartbeat."

"Then it was your decision, wasn't it."

"I…yes.  I know he would never have said what he did if he had any idea how I felt."

"Doesn't he?"

"Know how I feel?  He couldn't, or he would never have given up that easily…"  She frowned.  "Come to think of it, that's been bothering me ever since we spoke in my ready room…why did he end it?"

"Perhaps for the same reasons you have.  For the good of the ship, the crew."

She shook her head.  "No.  I know he doesn't believe that.  I just don't understand…I can tell his feelings for me haven't changed…so why did he tell me that what happened between us couldn't continue?"

"Does it matter?  You said you were going to end it yourself."

"It matters."

"There is a difference between wanting and choosing."

She sighed.  "I know that all too well."  After a few seconds, the meaning of the words hit her.  "Wait -- if he…then why?"

"The answer is in front of you."

She looked up from the ground at the shelter.  A frown crossed her face as she thought.  "Here?  What does this have to do with anything?"

"Everything."

Frustrated by the riddle, she sighed and lowered her head, resting her forehead on her knees.

Suddenly, it hit her and her head snapped up.  "Her needs come first," she whispered.  She turned abruptly to the lizard.  "That's it, isn't it?"

The lizard was infuriatingly silent, but her mind was racing and she barely noticed.  Her thoughts returned to that day in her ready room.  She remembered how he had been opposed to her at first, just like always.  Something had changed his mind -- but what?

She remembered how hurt she had been when he had accused her of being cold.  At the time, she had just assumed he had not noticed the slip in her composure, because she knew that he would have immediately jumped on any weakness he detected in her stance.  But…what if he had?  What if he had seen how painful it was for her…

Her eyes widened.  "And done it himself," she whispered.  She turned to the lizard.  "He saw that I didn't want to have to end it, but that was what I needed.  So he did it himself, to spare me the pain."

The lizard said nothing, but she didn't need her to.  She knew she had the answer.  "He did it for me," she said to herself.  Tears sprung to her eyes.  He loved her enough to give her up since he thought that was what she needed.

"Perhaps it was what you needed," said the lizard, interrupting her thoughts.

She considered that for a few minutes.  "Maybe it was," she said quietly.  "I wasn't ready to question my position, the boundaries I've set for myself, until…until now."

"And you do question them now?"

"Oh, yes.  I think…I think it's time I put our needs above protocol.  I need to move beyond that."

"Good."

A noise above her caught her attention and she looked up in the sky.

It was a hawk, circling above her.

She smiled, a smile then went right to her soul and shone through her eyes.  "It's time we defined some new parameters."

*    *    *

Chakotay shifted in his bed, wondering if he was imagining things.  No -- there it was again.  A finger running across his cheek.

He reached up and grabbed the hand next to his face before slowly cracking his eyes open.  His eyes widened in surprise when he saw her sitting on the bed next to his waist, wearing nothing but her nightgown and a thin robe.  Her arm was across his chest and her hand was in his next to his cheek.

"Kathryn?" he said, releasing her hand.  "What time is it?"

She moved her hand to the other side of his face and traced his tattoo with her finger.  "It's late.  Or should I say, early.  I used my command override to let myself in."

"What are you doing here?"

She smiled alluringly.  "I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd go on a vision quest."

His mind still sluggish, he frowned in confusion.  "You want to borrow my medicine bundle?"

"No.  I…I think we need to talk."

He propped himself up on his elbows.  "About what?"

"The conversation that we had in my ready room a few days ago."

He sighed.  "Kathryn --"

"No, let me finish.  What you did…means a lot to me.  I want you to know that."

"What I…what do you mean?" he said, narrowing his eyes.

"I know that only said what you did about it being inappropriate for us to be involved because you wanted to spare me the pain of having to end it myself."

"How --"

She smiled.  "I remembered a story you told me once."  She reached over and laid her hand on his chest.  "About an angry warrior who met a woman warrior.  And put her needs first."

He finally smiled.  "And in that way, he finally found the true meaning of peace."

Her smile matched his.  "Well…maybe my needs have changed."

"Oh?"

She leaned over until her face was inches from his.  "I need you."

"What about protocol?  The crew?"

She leaned closer to him and smiled.  "Chakotay.  I feel closer to you than anyone I've ever known in my life.  You've supported me, cared for me, for all these years and never asked a thing in return.  I could not imagine not having you in my life.  I love you."

He reached up to put a hand on the side of her face.  "Kathryn…are you sure?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"On you."

He knew instantly what she needed to hear.  He moved his hand around to the back of her head, intertwining his fingers in her hair.  "I love you, Kathryn, you know that."

He had never seen her smile like she did then.  "Then nothing else matters."

"But what about --"

She put her fingers over his lips.  "Nothing else matters."  Her smile widened and she leaned forward, removing her fingers from his lips to kiss him.  He reached over to pull her on top of him, and they rolled over on the bed, locked together, so that he was on top of her.  When they broke apart, she smiled.

"I think your story needs an ending," she whispered.

"Oh?"

She smiled.  "The woman warrior was proud, and stubborn, and she could not find peace.  She caused the angry warrior much sorrow and sadness.  But the woman warrior realized the error of her ways, and let her angry warrior into her heart."  She reached up to trail her hand along the side of his face.  

"And in that way, she finally found the true meaning of peace."


End file.
